Friday, December 11, 2009

Why Am I Negative?

UGH! Trust me when I say that I know everything is God's plan.....but we don't always have to like it, right? I was getting really excited over the last few days because Adam's birthday is next week & I wanted to give him the best present ever.....



Instead, all I got once again was a "present" for me. A great big, new box of.....





ARG! I am so sad, disappointed, in the dumps, frustrated, & the list goes on & on. I had actually just gone to the Dollar Tree to get a cheapo test & when I came home to use it my nasty Aunt was waiting for me. She seems to be coming earlier & earlier every month which is really throwing off my cycles. I guess I should make a doctors appointment??? I am not sure if I am jumping the gun, it has only been three months of trying. However, this is abnormal for my body. I have always been 28 days & I have been blessed to always get pregnant on the first try. What is God trying to tell me that I am missing?

I know that I have some Mr. Wives reading the blog so I apologize for all of the "female" talk. Maybe I should start a "trying to get pregnant" support group on The Blog Frog. Ok, I just did. LOL Click on the link & lets vent together. I know there are at least 8-10 of you trying to get pregnant right now as well.

On a more "positive" note, I am really looking forward to the weekend. Adam has been extremely busy with work & since the kids will be with Mike, we can hang out together. I rented Julie & Julia & The Ugly Truth. I am ready to get my weekend started now. Like right this minute. Ok, I think I am done complaining. For now.

So, a lot of you emailed me last night or posted comments about how I forgave Adam. (By the way, I will catch up on all of your emails over the weekend, promise.) I wish that I could say that it was really easy & I did all of the perfect things, but that wouldn't be accurate.

I have always been a jealous person, & most of the time I had reasons to be that way. Other women, hobbies, sports, drugs, friends, etc. In many of my relationships there was always something that seemed more important to my boyfriends than me. I could never understand why this was until recently. NONE of them had God in their life. Neither did I for that matter. How could I blame them? But I was, blaming them that is.

Without going into it all again, Adam cheated on me. I was crushed. The betrayal that I felt was unbelievable. I couldn't imagine how this man that I was head over heals in love with could do that to me. To make matters worse, the "woman" was a VERY close friend of mine. A best friend. One of my biggest confidantes when Adam broke up with me (the first time). To be fair, I didn't know her at all when  this event took place. We became friends after. She is just as guilty for not telling me the truth in my book. Of course I received the typical response when I asked why she never told me. "Because I didn't want to hurt you." Right, so becoming my friend, a best friend, letting me tell you life's most personal details, & saying the words, "I trust Adam is safe when I know he is with you guys.," that didn't hurt me?? I felt like the biggest sucker ever!

So, how did I find out? Adam confessed. He was ready to move back home to Charlotte & he wanted us to move in together. I was thrilled of course. However, since I was such a jealous, non-trusting person, I asked him if there was anything that I needed to know before I made a decision. He came clean. The good news was that I REALLY respected him for being honest. It is highly possible that we could have gone through life without me ever finding out what happened. I decided that Adam was worth it & I would take a chance. After all, I loved him.

As the years went on, my jealousy issue didn't seem to get better. Adam didn't give me a single reason to suspect any negative or untrusting behavior, but I was so worried. I am proud to say that I didn't check behind him except for once or twice over a few years. I had been guilty of doing that every single time a had a chance in previous relationships. I was even jealous to the point that I had heavily discouraged Adam from getting back into personal training full time, which he absolutely loves to do. I just didn't think that I could trust him. After all, some girls work out half naked. I assumed in my ridiculous mind that Adam would lust after & have sex with all of them. Why was I doing this when he hadn't given me a reason to feel this way in years?

I have a couple of reasons. One, I was still not a Christian. Two, I didn't even realize that I was doing this to him. It wasn't until Adam had the confidence to tell me how I was making him feel (but he already planned to leave me) that I got it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wrote Adam a note & went sobbing to my room. I couldn't believe that I made him feel terrible for years when he was breaking his back to show me that he committed a mistake that he would never do again. Of course the timing of my revelation made Adam feel as though I were just saying these things because I was desperate & I was trying to keep him. Why? Because he didn't trust me! Interesting. Why should he, really? While he "had" sinned, I was "still sinning".

Sin is a sin. Why do we feel that we get to judge what sins are worse than others? Sure, Adam sinned when he cheated. I don't want to make light of that. However, he apologized genuinely, accounted for his whereabouts, invited me to search his emails, computer, cell phone, etc. whenever I wanted, & he restarted his life with Christ. Why was this not enough for me? Why didn't I realize that I was being all high & mighty by sinning in my own way. Worry, not trusting my husband, not trusting the Lord, not lifting my husband up, not supporting what was important to him. My list of sins is possibly much greater than Adam's list. Yet I held Adam to a higher standard than I was holding myself. I portrayed him as the untrusty one.

My transformation was truly amazing once I knew what I was doing. I felt absolutely no jealousy at all. God completely freed me. To make it even more interesting, Adam started a job in a gym, in a college town, near a beach, with tons of pretty girls. We were separated with no plan to get back together & I still trusted him. Now that we are working on our marriage & back together as one......I haven't had one single worry. Honestly.That isn't to say that I trust the women of the world, but I do trust my husband. I have not a single doubt in my mind that if someone approached Adam in ANY inappropriate way, he would immediately let me know. If they are a client, he would drop them. Nothing (except for the Lord) is more important to Adam than his family. I know that.

I do have my hormonal, emotional moments where a hint of concern or jealousy may try to bear its head, I won't lie about that. I am still human. I get tempted to sin just like anyone else. My biggest sin is worry. In those moments I try my best to hand it all over to God & to trust that He chose Adam for me & He will take care of me. The Lord will never let me down & that is the most AMAZING feeling in the world.

I am so proud to say today that I have completely forgiven Adam & the woman that was involved. I have chatted with her over the years & I have not one hard feeling. After all, she didn't know any better. She was also not a Christian. I must give her that grace as God gives me grace daily for my sins. Loving the Lord & feeling so free can not be described. I feel so full in my heart right now as I type these words that all of the frustration that I had about not getting pregnant this month is gone. You know how the butterflies in your stomach feel when you are in love? That is how I feel right now, at this moment. I am SO IN LOVE WITH THE LORD! In my mind, Kayleigh is that little butterfly fluttering around in my belly reminding me that.....that feeling that can be eternal. Praise God!
                              


Day Nine - 


"...be swift to hear, slow to speak..." (James 1:19b)


We are often so busy speaking that we don't take time to listen. We are so quick to offer a comment - negative or positive - that we don't really "hear" our husband's heart. Remember: we have two ears & only one mouth. We need to listen more!


As you continue in your 30 day challenge, not speaking negatively & focusing on positive encouragement, hear the Lord's admonition today: "Be swift to hear."


If listening is a real problem for you, play a game with yourself. See if you can listen to your husband for one whole day, only speaking when asked a question. If your husband notices the difference, explain that you are learning to listen more - not only to God, also to him. 


One easy way to express admiration for your husband is to ask a question about something he enjoys, & then listen to his response. If it's an area of personal familiarity, keep asking questions until you learn something that you didn't know, then tell him, "Wow, I didn't know that!"


Day Nine Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will surrender his time & talents to the Lord. Pray that his spiritual gifts will be manifest in his career, at church, & in your home. (Eph. 5:15-16; 1 Cor. 12:4, 7)

Have a great weekend ladies!


Aimee Freeman

19 comments:

Carrie said...

Wow, I can't imagine that kind of forgiveness! I have a friend whose wife cheated on him, for at least the 2nd time, and he's willing to forgive her and stay together, and that just blows me away. What an example of the redemption of Christ's love. I'm so glad that you & Adam have been able to move past your past and be redeemed by Christ's love.

As far as trying for a baby, I'm sorry. We waited 15 months for baby #1, so I know what you're going through. Then between kids I found this website - http://www.ovusoft.com/ - they have a product called Taking Charge of Your Fertility, where you learn about your fertility signs & chart them, and after I read that, we got pregnant within 2 months with baby #2. I hope it happens quickly for you!

Angie said...

I appreciate your transparency in both of your lives. In some blogs you wonder if they are truly being themselves. You read about all the good, and what seems like fairy-tale lives and you wonder... geez are these people for real.

I am thankful for real believers, to read and know about!

May our Lord Jesus continue to bless and guide your words!

Angie
www.helpmeettosam.blogspot.com

Angie said...

I appreciate your transparency in both of your lives. In some blogs you wonder if they are truly being themselves. You read about all the good, and what seems like fairy-tale lives and you wonder... geez are these people for real.

I am thankful for real believers, to read and know about!

May our Lord Jesus continue to bless and guide your words!

Angie
www.helpmeettosam.blogspot.com

gem01 said...

Just wondering...could it be possible that your cycle is off because you ARE pregnant?? Did you take the test anyway??? Just a thought...
Anywho, beautful job in your new endeavors with this blog. My husband is my best friend and the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, but I genuinely believe that everyone can benefit from your blog...even those with good relationships. Sometimes, as women, we let our natual worrying, jealous selves come to surface. I know I do. Sometimes I just need you to give me a reality check ;) Keep up the great work! I know you are saving marriages, and for that you should be proud.
-Gemma
ps...missing Kayleigh, but I'm sure she's looking down, proud on her Mama as well!

mommyof3 said...

Thanks for your honesty Aimee. Just wanted to share with you that I am 37 years old and I have three children, all three and a half years apart. I know it has to be frustrating for you, but what a miracle to get pregnant the first try all three times! It usually took us between 4-6 months and when we finally relaxed and just "stopped trying so hard" it happened for us. Actually, the last one was a big surprise!! Anyway, as I have gotten older, my cycles are really wierd too. I used to be 28 days on the dot apart and now it's like every three weeks ( I think I'm getting the short end of the deal here). Anyway, I just wanted to say hang in there and it will happen when it's supposed to.

Beth said...

Again I am in awe of your positive spirit and attitude with everything you have faced. To “chat” with a woman who was your friend that fooled around with your husband amazes me. You are such an inspiration, more and more everyday I want to find that peace and love you have in your relationship with Christ, Life much be must sweeter now.

j said...

i so know that disappointed feeling. i know he has a plan i just wish i could peek at the calendar.

Erin said...

aimee i love seeing how God is working in your life and how you are touching so many people! what a blessing you are to so many and thank you for sharing and being so open. you do such a great job of expressing feelings we all have. i'll be praying for a "positive" next month :-)

Anonymous said...

Aimee -

I have followed your blog for Kayleigh, and am now thrilled to be following your life and advice over here. My husband and I are considering trying for our second child, but I am scared to death. My son, who is now 17 months old, was premature, and I am afraid to go down that road again. He is relatively healthy now, though developmentally behind. (I am hoping that through therapy and intervention he will catch up.) Do you know what caused Kayleigh's prematurity? As a fellow preemie mom, I am hoping you can offer some advice and support, and let me know how you are dealing with the possibility of another premature delivery. Thank you so much! God bless you!!

Charolette said...

I do understand when you get that neg test. It's sucks I have no kids and want one really bad. I pray and I don't understand why we have not been blessed with one. I sit and cry thinking what our life would be like to have a child. I guess that it will happen the way that it suppose to. I know that my husband says he is fine if we dont have any but he is just saying that to help me through my tuff time. He would love to have a child and I really hope that one day I will be able to give that to him and also my self. I wish that someone would just see what kind of people we are and give there baby to us to love. We have been through so muchin the last 13 years and I know we to will make it through this but it's very hard. I have been on meds and that does not work I dont have a period unless on meds but he doctors say that I'm ok I just dont ovulate. Not sure what else we can do. We are hoping to adopt a child. But then I sit and think about who would chose us we are not rich we dont go to church. I know that we are good people and would give our shirts off our back for anyone but is that good enough? Why is it that we have not been blessed with a child? What can we do different? Any way Im sorry hope that you have a great weekend.

Becky said...

Hi Aimee, I hope you don't take this as a critisism but there is something I'd like to talk/ask about. The lady you spoke about, and Adam for that matter, DID know what they were doing was wrong. You do NOT have to be a Christian to know better than to cheat on your girlfriend, or to sleep with someone elses boyfriend. These are common morals that we should have regardless of whether we are Christian or not. I'm Christian, and my boyfriend isn't, but we have quite similar morals which comforts me, because he doesn't realise that the way we think isn't really that much different. He doesn't have God, but he does have morals. Does that make sense? And the morlas that he has were not found through God (unfortunatly). Not many people, religious or otherwise, think that it's OK to be unfaithful. And even the ones that are unfaithful know that they are in the wrong, they just do it anyway. (that's my first point) Seems you guys have it sorted now, and that's great. But it also seems like you're making too many excuses for Adams past behaviour, which in my book is totally out of order, and taking too much of the blame onto yourself. The way you acted maybe wasn't right, but it was in response to something Adam had already done. He was the reason that even happened in the first place, you shouldn't lose sight of that. These things can't be forgiven overnight. It took you a while, and for most people it does. I understand how important it is to move onto a place where there is no blame anymore. There should be no blame for you either!! You can't forgive his wrongdoings and not forgive yourself aswell.
Which brings me onto my second point... I don't have any experience, thank God, with this situation. It might be something you're coming to in a later post, but how SHOULD a partner deal with unfaithfulness? By doing these challenges, I don't think that's enough when your relationship is at that stage, there needs to be a better way of dealing with the hurt. You can't just not mention it and it'll go away. You can't show respect to someone that you have no respect for until they apologise for their actions, can you? Otherwise you're living a lie, and I don't think that's how God wants us to live. If you're showing respect you don't feel in the mean time for minor issues that will resolve themselves in your head, that's one way. But unfaithfulness needs to be resovled openly, it can't be done from one side alone. I may be totally wrong, let me know, I don't mind being led to understand something.
I hope again that you don't take this as a critisism, because I love your blog and for me it's been really great. For me it's about trying to let God into my relationship, even if my boyfriend isn't up for it. And that's not by forcing it on him, it's purely through the way I am acting. So thank you : )
Sorry that this is badly written, and my spelling is probably atrocious, but I'm just typing quickly and not reading back!
Becky

Christen said...

Aimee,

I am sending prayers your way during your TTC journey. It took us almost four years to conceive our precious daughter. We are now trying for baby #2 and the struggles are harder this go around :(

You are truly an inspiration, hon! And I thank God that I have the opportunity to be able to follow your minstry.

Cecile said...

Aww... I'm sorry about the witch showing up... Mine is almost a week late, had a BFN this morning. So why is she late? Arrgghh!!! I'll join you on the Frog Blog, because I need to do all the weight loss, work out, blah blah blah... :-)

And your and Adam's honesty is very humbling. Thank you again!

momof4beautifulbeauties said...

Your cycles are probably off because of your thyroid issues. I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease not long after you were and it has really affected my cycles. I can make it harder to get pregnant and to keep the baby. Just wondering if you asked your endo about this yet? Maybe they need to check your thyroid levels and possibly adjust your meds.

Hope you get pregnant soon and keep the baby and have the baby healthy.

Mrs4444 said...

Your attitude/faith is terrific. When Mr.4444 and I started planning our marriage, we agreed that we owed it to each other to meet each other's needs (because we believe that people cheat when some need is not being met.) We committed to letting each other know (even though it might be awkward or uncomfortable) to letting each other know if we ever felt like a need was not being met. In March, we'll be married 20 years, and we have always held to our agreement. Faith is important, but I believe we also have to take responsibility for our happiness and say something if we're feeling drawn to sin; we are partners and need to have each other's back. I'm happy for you and your husband, that you love and support each other and have a strong faith; the two together will keep you strong :)

Aimee Freeman said...

Hey Becky. Yes, I know that many people have morals & they should know that cheating is wrong. I agree with that. However, we are all sinners & without God in our lives our temptations are even stronger. We do things that are wrong every day. People smoke, drink, use profanity, etc. etc. However, once we have God in our lives we become more aware that ALL of those things are sin & we have a greater strength to fight those temptations.

I am not making excuses for Adam at all. What he did was wrong & horrible. It took me a long time to forgive. I just wish that I had God in my life sooner because I suspect the pain would have hurt a lot less. I wouldn't have wasted as much time as I did dwelling on it.

I hope this helps. No offense taken. Thank you so much for following along.

Aimee

MommyIvy said...

Thank you do much for this. It was needed. I am struggling with some trust issues myself. It is hard, but has been getting better.

Anonymous said...

I know in your posting you said you started a separate forum about the ferility issues and it would be nice to see that kept separate from the marriage ministry forum. As someone who struggled with TRUE infertility for years I don't want to come to a blog that is supposed to be directed towards marriages to hear someone complaining because it's been 3 months and they've always gotten pregnant righ when they wanted to in the past. Sorry to come across as so "negative" but this is a "hot button" topic for me.

Becky said...

Hi Aimee, thanks for taking the time to reply. What you are saying definatly makes sense. I just know that a lot of people don't think rationaly when they have been hurt.
I can't imagine how I would begin to forgive someone if they broke their wedding vows, but it has never happened so maybe that's why it's hard to understand for me. But like I said, I do believe in forgiveness, but I just hope you have forgiven yourself also.
You're welcome : ) I love reading your blog! It keeps things in perspective.
Becky

 

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