Instead, all I got once again was a "present" for me. A great big, new box of.....
ARG! I am so sad, disappointed, in the dumps, frustrated, & the list goes on & on. I had actually just gone to the Dollar Tree to get a cheapo test & when I came home to use it my nasty Aunt was waiting for me. She seems to be coming earlier & earlier every month which is really throwing off my cycles. I guess I should make a doctors appointment??? I am not sure if I am jumping the gun, it has only been three months of trying. However, this is abnormal for my body. I have always been 28 days & I have been blessed to always get pregnant on the first try. What is God trying to tell me that I am missing?
I know that I have some Mr. Wives reading the blog so I apologize for all of the "female" talk. Maybe I should start a "trying to get pregnant" support group on The Blog Frog. Ok, I just did. LOL Click on the link & lets vent together. I know there are at least 8-10 of you trying to get pregnant right now as well.
On a more "positive" note, I am really looking forward to the weekend. Adam has been extremely busy with work & since the kids will be with Mike, we can hang out together. I rented Julie & Julia & The Ugly Truth. I am ready to get my weekend started now. Like right this minute. Ok, I think I am done complaining. For now.
So, a lot of you emailed me last night or posted comments about how I forgave Adam. (By the way, I will catch up on all of your emails over the weekend, promise.) I wish that I could say that it was really easy & I did all of the perfect things, but that wouldn't be accurate.
I have always been a jealous person, & most of the time I had reasons to be that way. Other women, hobbies, sports, drugs, friends, etc. In many of my relationships there was always something that seemed more important to my boyfriends than me. I could never understand why this was until recently. NONE of them had God in their life. Neither did I for that matter. How could I blame them? But I was, blaming them that is.
Without going into it all again, Adam cheated on me. I was crushed. The betrayal that I felt was unbelievable. I couldn't imagine how this man that I was head over heals in love with could do that to me. To make matters worse, the "woman" was a VERY close friend of mine. A best friend. One of my biggest confidantes when Adam broke up with me (the first time). To be fair, I didn't know her at all when this event took place. We became friends after. She is just as guilty for not telling me the truth in my book. Of course I received the typical response when I asked why she never told me. "Because I didn't want to hurt you." Right, so becoming my friend, a best friend, letting me tell you life's most personal details, & saying the words, "I trust Adam is safe when I know he is with you guys.," that didn't hurt me?? I felt like the biggest sucker ever!
So, how did I find out? Adam confessed. He was ready to move back home to Charlotte & he wanted us to move in together. I was thrilled of course. However, since I was such a jealous, non-trusting person, I asked him if there was anything that I needed to know before I made a decision. He came clean. The good news was that I REALLY respected him for being honest. It is highly possible that we could have gone through life without me ever finding out what happened. I decided that Adam was worth it & I would take a chance. After all, I loved him.
As the years went on, my jealousy issue didn't seem to get better. Adam didn't give me a single reason to suspect any negative or untrusting behavior, but I was so worried. I am proud to say that I didn't check behind him except for once or twice over a few years. I had been guilty of doing that every single time a had a chance in previous relationships. I was even jealous to the point that I had heavily discouraged Adam from getting back into personal training full time, which he absolutely loves to do. I just didn't think that I could trust him. After all, some girls work out half naked. I assumed in my ridiculous mind that Adam would lust after & have sex with all of them. Why was I doing this when he hadn't given me a reason to feel this way in years?
I have a couple of reasons. One, I was still not a Christian. Two, I didn't even realize that I was doing this to him. It wasn't until Adam had the confidence to tell me how I was making him feel (but he already planned to leave me) that I got it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wrote Adam a note & went sobbing to my room. I couldn't believe that I made him feel terrible for years when he was breaking his back to show me that he committed a mistake that he would never do again. Of course the timing of my revelation made Adam feel as though I were just saying these things because I was desperate & I was trying to keep him. Why? Because he didn't trust me! Interesting. Why should he, really? While he "had" sinned, I was "still sinning".
Sin is a sin. Why do we feel that we get to judge what sins are worse than others? Sure, Adam sinned when he cheated. I don't want to make light of that. However, he apologized genuinely, accounted for his whereabouts, invited me to search his emails, computer, cell phone, etc. whenever I wanted, & he restarted his life with Christ. Why was this not enough for me? Why didn't I realize that I was being all high & mighty by sinning in my own way. Worry, not trusting my husband, not trusting the Lord, not lifting my husband up, not supporting what was important to him. My list of sins is possibly much greater than Adam's list. Yet I held Adam to a higher standard than I was holding myself. I portrayed him as the untrusty one.
My transformation was truly amazing once I knew what I was doing. I felt absolutely no jealousy at all. God completely freed me. To make it even more interesting, Adam started a job in a gym, in a college town, near a beach, with tons of pretty girls. We were separated with no plan to get back together & I still trusted him. Now that we are working on our marriage & back together as one......I haven't had one single worry. Honestly.That isn't to say that I trust the women of the world, but I do trust my husband. I have not a single doubt in my mind that if someone approached Adam in ANY inappropriate way, he would immediately let me know. If they are a client, he would drop them. Nothing (except for the Lord) is more important to Adam than his family. I know that.
I do have my hormonal, emotional moments where a hint of concern or jealousy may try to bear its head, I won't lie about that. I am still human. I get tempted to sin just like anyone else. My biggest sin is worry. In those moments I try my best to hand it all over to God & to trust that He chose Adam for me & He will take care of me. The Lord will never let me down & that is the most AMAZING feeling in the world.
I am so proud to say today that I have completely forgiven Adam & the woman that was involved. I have chatted with her over the years & I have not one hard feeling. After all, she didn't know any better. She was also not a Christian. I must give her that grace as God gives me grace daily for my sins. Loving the Lord & feeling so free can not be described. I feel so full in my heart right now as I type these words that all of the frustration that I had about not getting pregnant this month is gone. You know how the butterflies in your stomach feel when you are in love? That is how I feel right now, at this moment. I am SO IN LOVE WITH THE LORD! In my mind, Kayleigh is that little butterfly fluttering around in my belly reminding me that.....that feeling that can be eternal. Praise God!
Day Nine -
"...be swift to hear, slow to speak..." (James 1:19b)
We are often so busy speaking that we don't take time to listen. We are so quick to offer a comment - negative or positive - that we don't really "hear" our husband's heart. Remember: we have two ears & only one mouth. We need to listen more!
As you continue in your 30 day challenge, not speaking negatively & focusing on positive encouragement, hear the Lord's admonition today: "Be swift to hear."
If listening is a real problem for you, play a game with yourself. See if you can listen to your husband for one whole day, only speaking when asked a question. If your husband notices the difference, explain that you are learning to listen more - not only to God, also to him.
One easy way to express admiration for your husband is to ask a question about something he enjoys, & then listen to his response. If it's an area of personal familiarity, keep asking questions until you learn something that you didn't know, then tell him, "Wow, I didn't know that!"
Day Nine Prayer -
Pray that your husband will surrender his time & talents to the Lord. Pray that his spiritual gifts will be manifest in his career, at church, & in your home. (Eph. 5:15-16; 1 Cor. 12:4, 7)
Have a great weekend ladies!