Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Why Did Mike & I Get Divorced....

Hello Ladies. I hope that everyone is having a great day so far. The weather here is very odd. It has been cold the last few days which is to be expected in December. Today it is 70 degrees & scary windy. If you look outside there is just something very eerie about the sky. 

I made a few changes to the blog this morning after receiving several suggestions. I changed the font from Georgia (my favorite) to Trebuchet (a little more block like), I increased the space between sentences & made the font one size larger. I hope this makes the text easier to read for everyone. Let me know what you all think.

I am happy to see that some of you joined us on The Blog Frog. We are trying to get a few discussions going, so jump on over & join us. I am thinking that we should also start a weight loss support group as a new topic in our community. (Hopefully I will get pregnant this month & I can just "support".) Seriously, I am starting to workout again today. There! I said it out loud. Are you with me? Don't make me do it alone. I will never survive. Ugh! I need you.


I also had a request on a post topic that is probably something that many of you have been wondering, but never wanted to ask. Why did Mike & I get divorced if divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes? That is a great question. As much as I would rather not discuss this topic, I feel that it is necessary. Now, Adam is okay with me using our life & all of our problems for the better good of all of your marriages, but I haven't asked Mike for the same grace & I would never expect him to be okay with it. I am going to tell you our story without getting into too much detail that could cause Mike to feel uncomfortable.

I love using photos & I just can't seem to find enough of them to use on this blog so I figured today was a good opportunity. Let me introduce.....Mike.


                                                          
Ok, I came across that photo while look for some "real" ones & I couldn't resist. Let's try this again. Let me introduce.....Mike.

 



Everyone say, "Hi Mike!" Mike is thirty something, a HUGE Iowa Hawkeyes fan, he enjoys working out....wait.....I feel like I am writing a personal ad for him. LOL

Ok, I am stalling. Here we go. Mike & I met in 1995 & our relationship moved along rather quickly. I was 21 at the time. I had never had a "one night stand" at that point, but I guess I wanted to see what all of the excitement was about. Can you see how this is all moving in the wrong direction already? Mike had the greatest pick up line. He asked me when my birthday was. I told him that it is August 28th (everyone mark that on your calendars). You know what he said? "Me too!" Of course, I didn't believe him so I made him pull out his license. Sure enough, we had the same birthday. (Only a few years different) Our "relationship" started out based on sex, we then became friends & roommates, & then our troubles started. Technically our troubles began the moment that I decided to have a one night stand.

We were married in 1998 just after I turned 24. The issues that we had dating stayed with us through our marriage. Insecurities, disrespect, trust, unloving behavior, etc. etc. I felt as though we never actually solved any of our arguments. Back then I would NEVER apologize. Ever. It didn't matter if I was wrong, right, or a little bit of both. I could manipulate my way around any argument. I would name call, be terribly rude & hurtful. It has taken me going through the Love & Respect series to see how bad I really was during that time. What Mike did really doesn't matter because I can't control anyone but myself. I didn't realize that then. I spent an enormous amount of time trying to "change" him when I wasn't even looking at my own self. Well, even if I had....I would have thought I was perfect & doing no wrong anyway. I wasn't ready for the TRUTH.

Mike & I went to Church about a handful of times in the 9 years that we were together but it was only when someone begged us to go. I believed in God but anything past that, I just didn't know. I wasn't living like a Christian, I had foul language, terrible beliefs & the list can go on & on. So, after years of struggle, I decided that enough was enough. I was "unhappy." I could have stayed with Mike forever & been content. He is funny, a good dad, he was a good provider, he did the "manly" chores around the house, etc. I just didn't feel that I could be "happy" anymore. Maybe someone should have told me about Feelings Follow Choices back then. Maybe if I could have trusted God with my problems then everything would have been okay. It is sad to see how selfish I was being when all I cared about was making "me" happy and completely ignoring what troubles will lie ahead with a divorce. I felt at the time that I was trying to make Mike happy too, but I obviously didn't try hard enough & I didn't have the right "tools" in my toolbox. Now with God in my life, I know that it isn't about me anymore. It is bearing the fruits of the spirit to live this life in His image for others. Now that I can see more clearly, I can come up with at least 10 things that I could have done different without even thinking for longer than a second.

So to answer your question, "Why did Mike & I get divorced if divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes?" Honestly, neither of us knew any better and unfortunately no one told us. We weren't Christians so we didn't know that it was not okay. Now, when someone preaches God's word to me, I know it is the truth and I need to follow His word or trouble (Sin) will follow me. In our culture 50% of people are getting divorced so if someone doesn't teach you that it isn't okay & holds you accountable, you are tempted to go with the culture. I have asked for forgiveness & I feel that the Lord has in fact forgiven me. For that I am so grateful. I thank the Lord every day (honestly) that He blessed me with Adam despite who I once was.

I would never say that I regretted that time in my life because I have two amazing children & a life long "brother" in Mike. Adam feels the same. Many people think that our relationship with Mike is odd. He came to our wedding, he went to Disney with us, he celebrates the holidays with both of our families (yes Adam's too), he has slept at our house, we have slept at his, he visited Kayleigh in the hospital, we have keys to each other's homes, & he even moved to Wilmington when we did. We are a close little family & we wouldn't have it any other way. When we need someone, Mike is always there. When Mike needs someone he knows that he could call us anytime. We are all grateful for each other. Praise God!

I feel that I need to mention that while I learned that I did many wrongs in my relationship with Mike, it is not acceptable for me to right those wrongs by divorcing Adam & going back to Mike. Sinning to fix a sin is not the way to go. Asking the Lord to forgive me fixed my sin. In moving forward I am "repaying" the Lord for his grace by treating my current husband with respect. I am also trying harder to respect Mike & appreciate him, even when he gets on my nerves. As I said, Mike is like a brother but more importantly he is our brother in Christ. We should treat him just as we would treat anyone. Mike will always be in our lives because of Brandon & Allyson & we need to teach our children how to act through our examples. The kids know our story & we have never been anything but honest with them. They know that I was wrong & as they have learned about the "right way" to live, they have forgiven me for leaving their father as well. It will always be more difficult for the kids because they are in fact children of divorce, but Adam, Mike, & I are doing our very best to make life as painless as possible for them. We owe it to them. We owe it to God.

I hope that some of you can learn from my mistakes & my sins. Let my story be the beginning of a better marriage for you, your husband, & your family. Let me help you repair your marriage or to help you build a strong, protective wall that the devil will not be able to destroy. Join me in making a change TODAY that will change the entire rest of your life.

Day Seven - 


"Do not overwork to be rich: because of your own understanding, cease!...for riches certainly make themselves wings..." (Prov. 23:4-5)
"That I may cause those who love me to inherit wealth, that I may fill their treasuries." (Prov. 8:21)


Money is the root of much marital discord. Ask yourself, "Am I being negative toward my husband in the area of finances?" Determine not to speak evil of your husband in this area. Discover ways to encourage & help him instead. 


Does your husband handle finances wisely? Does he make good financial investments, based on biblical principles? Does he have a budget? Does he make wise decisions about purchases - checking many sources before he buys? Is he a good steward of his money before the Lord? Let him know how much you appreciate his strengths in financial matters.


If he is weak in this area, encourage any good decisions that he does make. Perhaps you can help him, if he's open to the idea, by organizing financial files or providing other practical assistance. Or, if he wants you to handle the finances, ask for his input before you make decisions that will affect him. 


Day Seven Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Pray that his heart will be pure & undivided in his commitment to you. (Prov. 6:23-24, 26; Rom. 13:14)


Aimee Freeman

20 comments:

Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing this - I'm sure it's not a part of your life that you enjoy dredging up. I hope that no one judges you for the way you lived before you accepted Christ - we need to remember that we can't expect non-Christians to live like Christians. And good point about being forgiven by God, as well.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I am believer married to a non-believer. I have and do make my share of mistakes but the battle I am facing is a huge one. My spouse in an alchoholic who refuses to get help. I do not know what to do with this. When you say that divorce is not acceptable in God's eyes, what about this situation? What do I do? He wants us to have children but I have thus far refused because I do not want to bring children into this situation. We are in counseling but he still refuses to quit drinking although he admits that he has a problem. I am truly at the end of my rope.

Aimee Freeman said...

Hello Anonymous. Please email me directly & I would be happy to answer your comment.

Aimee@WomensMarriageMinistry.com.

Hope said...

Thank you. I always love a good lesson on Grace, Forgiveness and using my past to help heal other people's present and futures.

Blessings,
Hope

Erin said...

I guess I'm confused with what you are saying. If you had known that divorce wasn't right when you were with Mike you really would have sacrificed your happiness and possibly his to stay with someone you don't want to be with? You say it's wrong, yet you say that is was the best decision. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in divorce, but if I'm in the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons, then what's the point.

I'm not even sure if this makes sense, because I couldn't figure out how to word it, but I hope it does.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Aimee, I love the honesty of this post. I dated my high school sweetheart for three years, and thought we would get married. We didn't, but through an amazing twist of fate, he became not only my best friend, but one of my husband's best friends as well. Today, that man I *thought* I would marry is my daughter's Godfather (and his mother is her Godmother!). It's a situation most people find incredibly strange, but it's been a real blessing in our lives!

~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com

Aimee Freeman said...

Hey Erin. Mike & I were "happy" when we got married. We wanted to be together at least at that point. Therefore, if we follow what God has commanded us to do then we will find happiness again. We would want to be together again, as we did on our wedding day. Your feelings will follow your choices. So yes, if I knew what was "right" then I would have stayed & tried my hardest to work on our marriage. Choosing not to sin ALWAYS feels like a sacrifice if we choose to look at life through the eyes of temptation.

Aimee

Toni Conrad said...

Hey Aimee
My husband and I are participating in the 5-5-5 challenge and HOPEFULLY we will get pregnant this month as well. That would be kind of neat if we both had babies scheduled to arrive around the same time!

TLC

http://toniconrad.wordpress.com

Stephanie said...

Aimee, Having a tough time right now. The prayer for today was right on target for me. Please keep me in your prayers. ~Stephanie @ steph41581@hotmail.com

This Journey Called Life said...

im having a rough time today at 815 am i walked into a courtroom and the judge told me after almost 12 yrs of marriage it was over... my heart sank 12 yrs 3 kids 3 tours of him in Iraq (he comes home tomorrow from a 1 yr tour), but after countless affairs, lies and mental abuse i couldnt take it anymore. my heart hurts i ache i know that I need God in my life but im so scared to take the step.

Kayla said...

Thank you so much for answering this question I so apreciate it! I hope I didnt make you unconfortable or pressured to answer this. You are truly an AMAZING WOMAN!!!!

Danielle said...

Thank you for sharing, I knoww that had to be hard for you. On the other hand, I am so with you on the weight loss. Let me know how to get involved.

Jenn said...

Aimee,

Thank you for the post! You are truly an amazing woman. I made a "marriage mistake" at the age of 18, and married someone who I now know is a horrible person ( I won't disclose what he did). I too had 2 children by this man, always saying that he was going to change and did not. After about 4 years I filed for divorce and my husband now went through that with me. He stuck by my side. So, now it is my turn to stick by his side.

Okay, about the weight loss discussion, I have a blog that I have, it is nothing special but at anytime people are welcome to visit and post. I use it as well as a venting site, and a place where one can post without ridicule.

The webpage is:

www.cravingtobhealthy.blogspot.com

Sometimes we get a bit personal, but nothing graphic. It is open to whomever wants to visit.

Thanks again Aimee,
Jenn

Aimee Freeman said...

Hey Kayla, not at all. You just gave me the motivation to answer a question that I am sure many had.

Thank you!

Aimee

Heather said...

Wow Aimee-what a great post. I had always wondered about the kids dad and your relationship. We all make mistakes and wrong decisions in our lives. That is why God forgives.

You truely have a remarkable relationship. I have friends that have a similar relationship. She was 16 when she got pregnant, they married, and then divorced a few years later. She is now remarried and has another child and her ex and his new family come to birthday parties. It works out so well for them all.

Kel said...

Aimee you are so blessed to hear your calling and go to it with such honesty! THANK YOU for this blog and I will be following you now. I know that my relationship before God with my husband Geoff could be stronger and you are inspiring me to work harder on things.

Kami said...

Hi Aimee,

I have been following this blog for a while now. I just wanted to come on and say thank you for starting a blog like this. It really does hit home. I too have been married before and my story is so much like yours. I don't have children though and I don't see me ex husband at all but my new husband's ex wife is involved in our life. We go to church together, birthday parties, Christmas services and all. It is nice to have a united family for the childrens sake. Thanks again! Good luck with ttc. I have followed Kaleighs blog for a long time. I'll be rooting for you guys. I am currently pregnant with twins!

Kami

Redeemed1 said...

Thank you for your honesty in this post. It's a difficult issue and I thikn you handled it very well here.
I also am divorced and remarried. Neither my ex or I were Christians when we got married, and when I was saved two years into our marriage, things got considerably worse. While I definitely had Biblical grounds for divorce when it happened, it was still a terribly difficult decision to make - one that people still question today.

It seems that God has used both of our divorces for good. You now have a great marraige ministry to other women, and I think your past experiences have given you great insight and more compassion than you might otherwise have had.

My ex-husband was terribly abusive, and there have been several times lately where I have been able to minister to other women in our church who are in similar situations. The experince I had prepared me for this in many ways, including the contacts I know have in the court systems and womens shelters.

Isn't it amazing how God can use even our sin for His glory?

Michelle said...

i love how real you are ... and even more, i love that you're not ashamed to share your story with others despite what some may think.

i won't divulge too much of my story, but i wanted to say that i completely agree with the above sentiments when she says "Isn't it amazing how God can use even our sin for His glory?" .. being a mormon, more importantly, a christian ... i have never had a statement be so true for my life than that one. my sin ultimately became part of the Lord's grander plan for me, my child and the lives of the family that he became a part of.

life is fragile and i want to thank you for reminding me of that. for reminding me that even though we may be of different faiths, we are still all brothers and sisters in christ and that he is never far.

now that i'm on the verge of tears, i think i'll go.

but thank you.

LuckyCharmSorceress said...

What a totally cool post. Thanks for sharing.

 

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