Decode Your Husband - Part Three - Prayer Needed

(Eve Eve)

Hello ladies. I hope that everyone is getting settled, finishing cleaning, winding down the baking, packing, traveling, & are ready to spend time with loved ones for CHRISTmas. I am in wrapping Heaven you know what today so I need to jump to the meat & potatoes of today's post. Adam, Allyson, Brandon, & I all wish you a VERY Merry CHRISTmas. I will be back to posting on Monday.

Relationship - His desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship may seem a bit odd, but keep your ears open for it anyway.

When a wife is friendly & shows that she likes her husband, particularly by doing shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him, he will feel respected. But when she becomes immersed in her own schedule & duties, she seems to have no time for him, then she might hear something like "Can't you let that go for a few minutes? Come sit with me & watch the last two minutes of the game." A wife could say, "Don't you know that I have a lot to do?" or she can decode her husband's message, put her duties on hold for a little while, & say, "Sure, watching with you will be fun." The key, however, is to respond in a truly friendly way. Mean it!

Being friendly to her husband is one of the most effective things that a woman can do to strengthen her marriage. Dr. Eggerichs has a challenge that he suggests that wives do when they feel that there marriage is going under. He tells them that they can do three things to turn their marriage around. "1. Be his friend. 2. Be friendly. 3. Be his friendly friend. P.S. In case I forgot to tell you, be his friend." He also asks them to list 7 things that they can do to be more friendly & to put those into practice. Then he tells those wives to write him back in 6 weeks & let him know what happened.

After all of this friendly behavior starts, husbands start saying things like, "Who are you & what have you done with my wife?" or "I don't know what drug you are on but, don't kick this habit." It is always wise for us to not make comments about, "being a better friend to you." Actions speak volumes & you need to seek opportunities to be friendly with him. If he is working on something around the house, just go be with him for 15-20 minutes. Stand there & talk to him. If he asks why you are there just tell him that you wanted to be with him & reassure him that you didn't come because "you need to talk". If you are like many of us, silence can kill you. Resist the temptation to say anything. Remember, one of the best ways to communicate with our husbands is by NOT trying to communicate with our husbands.

Sexuality - Listen carefully. His desire for sexual intimacy is much deeper than merely physical.

A husband has a need for sexual release that only his wife can meet, & when she does so, he feels respected & honored. By the same token, a wife has a need for affection & emotional closeness that only her husband can meet, & when he does, she feels loved & cherished. These two major needs can cause a standoff if someone is not willing to make the first move.

When a wife shames her husband, she is "rotenness in his bones" (Proverbs 12:4) & one of the ways that she can shame him is sexually. If she seems to deem his sexual need contemptible ("Stop it! I'm not in the mood!"), he is crushed & provoked to respond, "You never seem to be in the mood anymore," & he might even add, "Are you trying to punish me?" or "I'm tired of this sexual blackmail." The wife who is willing to honor her husband's sexuality can try saying or adapting the following:

"I don't try to blackmail you by withholding sex. Please forgive me for coming across this way. I don't intend to."

"I enjoy making love, but first I need you to hold me & talk to me. I'm the Crock-Pot; you are the microwave. We both have the same goal, I just take longer to warm up."

"I do want to satisfy you sexually. I want us both to be satisfied. Let's try to spend more time early in the evening just talking & being together. This could help both of us relax for making love later."

"I have never tried to punish you by withholding sex, but now I see how you felt when I denied you. Please forgive me."

"When you are more open with me about your heart & tell me you are sorry, this is a turn-on for me."

"I'm sorry the kids & all the rest of it have left me too tired to make love at times. Why don't we leave them with my mother & get away for the weekend?"

When you start using the C-H-A-I-R-S principles, sexuality can be the hardest or the easiest to decode. Some men will be very upfront & their complaints don't need much decoding. Other men may be too proud to say anything obvious, but they will send other messages that voice their frustration. Regardless of how he communicates, the best approach for his wife is to realize that his need for sexuality is one of his strongest & she should try to meet that need even if she doesn't like it.

Maybe your husband can unwrap a new wife this Christmas!

Day Seventeen - 


"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, & the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." (Proverbs 9:10)


Are you a wise woman? Do you open your mouth with wisdom, as Proverbs 31:26 suggests? As you continue in your 30-day challenge, remember that a wise woman encourages her husband. 


Is your husband a wise man? Does he have a Godly perspective that comes from knowing God & walking with Him in obedience? Does he have a sense of purpose for his life & vision in your home? Tell him how much that means to you.


If you are not sure about your husband's vision for your home, ask him, "Honey, what do you want to accomplish with our marriage & home in the years to come?" and "How can I help you accomplish that?" If he does not have a vision, your questions may inspire him to develop one. 


If your husband is not walking with God - or perhaps, does not know the Lord - you have the opportunity or responsibility to practice your faith & create a thirst for God. Thank God for giving your husband a place in his heart that only He can fill, & keep praying that he will turn to the Lord to fill that vacuum. 


Day Seventeen Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will have an eternal perspective - living in light of eternity. Pray that he will reject materialism & temporal values & put God first in his life. (Matt. 6:33; Deut. 6:5; Eph 5:15; Ps. 90:12)

Will you all please pray for me over the next few weeks? I had some blood work done on Monday & the doctor just called me back with the results. They said that my thyroid levels (I have Graves Disease) are fine for now, but my white blood count is slightly low. I know that I should not worry, but I am. Whenever I receive troubling news, it takes me a day or two to remember that everything is God's plan. Waiting two weeks to have a second blood test is going to feel like years. I went it for a check up because I was feeling so tired lately, jaw is clicking, heart racing, & 15 pounds of weight gain in 3 months. (which is why I wanted my thyroid levels checked) I pray that this news is nothing serious & that I will feel comfort while I wait for further testing. Thank you all for your support & prayers. They truly mean the world to me!

Lets Celebrate CHRISTmas for a change!

Good afternoon ladies! I am so thrilled to say that so far, there are 8 of us who are going to do the New Thru 30 Challenge. I was getting a little nervous that I would be going at it alone, but now we have an awesome group. I know that some of you are still thinking about whether you are interested in joining us, but we want you to know that we would love to have you. We have enough of us that we should have a pretty easy time finding one of us to understand each scripture. Of course, the more the merrier. It will be so interesting to hear everyone's perspective. I can't wait! See yesterday's post for all of the details or join our Blog Frog group.

I told all of you yesterday that I wanted to share something that touched our hearts deeply at church the other day. To get started, I have a question for you. What do you think this picture is?

When I look at this photo, I see faith, hope, & love. I also see a smile, relief, an education, Bible study, & clean drinking water. Of course, I can also see the obvious, which is $64 in change. Change that only took us about 5 months to save. That we didn't even notice was missing.

Our family went to church this Sunday & we were introduced to Katya. Not formally, just in general, in the service. Katya is an 11 year old girl that is going to make a change in the world. Like many organizations, our church had an Angel Tree full of opportunities for us, over privileged families, to provide a gift for a child who may possibly only receive that ONE gift this CHRISTmas. Katya noticed that there were quite a lot of tags left on the tree & she got really angry. Adults were just walking by as if the tree wasn't even there. She approached her mother & asked her if she could take all of the remaining tags. She told her mother that she felt that this is what God was calling her to do. Praise God! Her mother asked her if she had the money & she said yes. Can you guess how many tags Katya took? Not one or two, but 17! Her mother ended up buying three of the gifts & Katya purchased the other 14 with money that she had been saving from allowance all year, birthday money, CHRISTmas money, etc. She spent over $300 of her own money!! Every bit that she saved.

It doesn't stop there. Do me a favor, an exercise if you will. Go to your sink & pour yourself a nice, big, refreshing glass of water. Now, go outside & get a handful of dirt. Some really nasty dirt too. Maybe even some feces that was stuck on the grass. Put in your glass & take a look. (You can drink it if you want to go the extra mile, but I wouldn't advise it.) Does it look like this?

Looks yummy doesn't it? Katya heard Pastor Jeff preaching about the 1.1 BILLION people that don't have clean drinking water in the world. This sermon must have touched her heart in a big way because, Katya (remember she is 11 years old) has started her own non-profit organization. It is called Kids United. Here is a link to her Facebook page....Kids United. Her statement says that, "Adults can make a difference, but kids can make a change." How true! Her goal is to raise just $2,500 by the end of next year, 2010. Her father will match that $2,500 to total $5,000 which is how much it costs to drill one well to provide clean drinking water for so many.

Doesn't that look so much better? Much like the glass that you are so fortunate to have in front of you. Providing clean water is about so much more that just satisfying thirst. It is about saving lives, letting families know that God loves them & that they were blessed by our generosity. There is a quote by C.S. Lewis that really touched my heart on Sunday. I need to share it with you...

"I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare....If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, they are too small."

We have become very aware as a family over the last few months, that we need to provide more charity. Last month we sponsored Neema in Africa, on Thursday we will be delivering meals for CHRISTmas to the under-privileged,  & this past Sunday we decided to donate our change. That sounded like a lot, until I just wrote it. Three whole days out of about 45. Only $30/month. Wow! These people suffer everyday. We are trying to re-budget to see how we can provide not only more money, but more time. Why haven't we done this before? Well, just like many of you are thinking, because we couldn't afford it. But why is that? Is it because I have a big mortgage/rent payment, because I am blessed to have a home. Is it because my utilities are so high, because I am blessed enough that have heat, TV, & the internet? Is it because our car payment is so high, because we are blessed to have a car? (do you know that your garage is bigger, floored better, roofed better, walled better, nicer, & cleaner, then most of these people's homes?) How many homeless people do you think could live in your storage shed or garage floor? Have we not volunteered before because we are so busy with our jobs, that we are blessed to have? Because we are busy taking our kids to activities that we are so blessed we can offer them? Why? None of these reasons seem good enough anymore. If we really take the time to think of why, hopefully we will all come up with, WHY NOT?

I know that this post has gotten much longer than I expected, but I am letting God drive my fingers right now. I feel like I have been hit in the head this CHRISTmas season & my light bulbs are turned on. I want to challenge you to think about your past Christmases. Which ones do you remember? Do you remember what gifts you received each year? Probably not. I don't. My guess is that you remember the ones that had value in another way. Such as through giving, tradition, or meaning. Not because of the gifts. I am very guilty of giving TONS of gifts to the kids when they were little. It was pretty disgusting when I think back on it. Ripping open so many gifts that you don't remember who they are from five minutes later. It is like piranhas going at those boxes. Give me, give me, give me. This year our money was much tighter. The kids have 5 presents each under the tree. (all clothes because that is what they NEEDED) There will be one more gift that is something non-clothing. That's it. Honestly, they learned so much about the true meaning of CHRISTmas that they are excited that they have so many presents. Just five! A family member asked what the kids wanted & Brandon said, "I already have so much. I don't want anything else." How awesome is that? So to satisfy our families need to give, we asked for Visa gift cards because the kids could do whatever they wanted with their money. Spend it, donate it, buy clothes, or whatever. They could save it for when they really need something & they won't have all this unnecessary excess right now.

Adam asked the kids an interesting question the other night. "Who gets gifts on your birthday?" You do. "Who gets gifts on my birthday?" I do. "Then who should get gifts on Jesus' birthday?" Jesus! Why are we getting gifts & not giving gifts to Jesus? So he challenged the kids to come up with a "gift" that they could give to Jesus. How amazing is that?!

I need to jump back to my $64 in change before I wrap this up. When we came home from church on Sunday, we had brunch, (a new tradition) & then counted up all the change that we could find in the house. Guess how much it was? LOL - $64. We told the kids that since Adam & I sponsor Neema, that we would divide the $64 between the two of them. They could decide on their where to donate their $32. It could be in two places, or just one. It could be anywhere. Brandon decided to give half to Kids United & half to the hospital NICU that Kayleigh was in. Allyson is still thinking on whether she wants to give all or half to Kids United. This was an awesome experience for them, & for us as their parents. They are both so excited to be "giving". We have the greatest impact on what our children learn & who they become. Pastor Furtick's 4 year old son, Elijah taught us all some great financial advice last month. He said it better than I ever could.

Elijah Offering Video from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

How cute & incredible at the same time!

In closing, I want to ask you all to consider something else this season. Maybe you can give your family another "gift" that you weren't planning on. The best part is, you don't have to fight traffic, the crowds, or your wallet. Do you spend so much at work that you are bankrupt when you get home? Do you give your family the best of you, or do they just get your leftovers? Do you give presents to make up for not giving your family your presence?

Adam & I are going to make up a coupon book to put in the kid's stockings this year. Oh yeah, we even told Brandon & Allyson the truth about Santa last night. I dreaded the day that they would find out the "truth", & you know what, they didn't even care.They were amazed by the things that we did to keep them believing for so long. It was an awesome experience to share with them & to once again remind them of what CHRISTmas is really about. So back to the coupons....we are going to give them tickets for a free day with us, each one of us, picking out their favorite meal whenever they want, their choice of what to do on family night, etc. Things that will bring us together as a family, & not push them alone to their rooms to play by themselves like they do on the computer, or when they play video games. Family times are the best times, the times that we will all remember, the times that our families NEED. (If you have ideas for a coupon, please post your comment & share with all of us.)

So this CHRISTmas...Love more, Spend less, & Worship fully!

Day Sixteen - 


"And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Genesis 2:18)


God says that it is not good for man to be alone. But the way some women criticize their mates, the husbands may long for solitude. Be careful today not to criticize your mate, but look for ways to encourage him personally & publicly.


Speaking of communication, does your husband communicate with you? God has made you a companion & helper for your husband, & part of being "one flesh" with him is the privilege of sharing & discussing personal needs & concerns. Thank God for that wonderful gift. Thank your husband for communicating with you.


If your spouse does not communicate as you wish, look for ways that he communicates that are normal for him - smiling at you, nodding his head, even a pleasant "grunt" - & thank him for letting you know that he cares. Perhaps he needs to be lovingly taught how to communicate. Be patient with him....& listen when he does speak.


Day Sixteen Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will speak words that build you & your family, & reflect a heart of love. Pray that he will not use filthy language. (Proverbs 18:21; Ephesians 4:29)


PS - I know that I didn't do Decode Your Husband - Part Three today. I will do that one tomorrow. Thank you for listening to my heart today.

Decode Your Husband - Part Two

I hope that everyone had a great weekend with their families & every is getting excited about CHRISTmas! We had a blast at church yesterday & tomorrow I want to share something with all of you that left a deep impression on our hearts.

Today, I want to throw out my our next challenge. I am completely scared to death to make this commitment, as I have never made a commitment to this level EVER before in my life. This challenge would start on January 11th which is pretty close to when our 30 Day Encouragement Challenge ends. We might have to do double duty for a day or two. Ugh, I can hardly even say it. I feel like God led me to this challenge & I think I am trying to come up with a reason why I can't do it. Well, I can come up with 20 reasons, but are any of them good? Not good enough. Ok, so here it is....(I paused for a few minutes before I had the courage to go on)

Yes, you are seeing clearly. It says, "New Thru 30 - The New Testament in 30 Days". Am I kidding? I wish. Now, lets get real here. I never read a single scripture before this summer when Adam & I were separated. Even then, I would only read random scriptures that people sent to me. On one Sunday I read Luke 1-10 because Adam was reading it & he asked me too. On another weekend I read all of James because the sermon series at Elevation Church (The Essential James Series) was phenomenal & I wanted more. That's it. That is my experience with the Bible. I am completely nervous, without confidence, scared to death, shaking, excited, open, anxious, hungry, curious, & ready to get started. Anyone confused yet?

Yesterday I was saying that I have too much on my plate, today I want to read The New Testament in 30 Days. Am I crazy? Yes! I am crazy for the Lord. Today is one of those days where I feel as though I can't get enough. I am so thirsty. Now, I did have to break things down a little to be sure that this was even remotely possible for me to do. I am too much of a control freak to do anything that guarantees my failure. I need to at least have a fighting chance.

I grabbed my Bible that was given to me by Elevation Church last year. I opened it up to the New Testament. (It was on page 533) Interesting thing about that, possibly another sign? One of the only scriptures that I know is Ephesians 5:33. Ha! I felt my heart get a little fuller. In my Bible there are 162 pages in the New Testament. Over 30 days this would be about 5.4 pages each day. Well now, that seems MUCH more reasonable. According to the reading plan, they give us Saturday & Sunday off from reading but that will make more reading on Monday thru Friday. I am not sure if I can handle more on those days, so for now I am planning on 5.4 pages each day without break. Again, I don't want to set myself up for failure right out of the gate. I can always read more on one day so that I can have a day off. Plus, I think consistency is going to be key for me personally.

Needless to say, I am going to need some serious accountability & a few many friends to do this with me. Remember, I have never done this before either. If I can do it, you can too. I promise. So who is in? I can't hear you. I said, "Who is in with me?" Who is ready to be a part of the most dramatic challenge so far? (I thought I was on The Bachelor for a minute) I am starting a small group forum on The Blog Frog so that we can all talk about our daily reading together. The Bible can be hard to understand so we can all ask questions & learn from each other. Just click on The Blog Frog link to go straight there, a free one-way ticket. I am ready ladies! I just have one question.....is it cheating if we start early? LOL I will post the reading plan on The Blog Frog forum. See you there.

Authority - Listen for & respect his desire to serve & to lead. 

Scripture clearly teaches that a wife should not be contentious. Consider Proverbs 21:9: "It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman." There are many ways that a wife can be contentious, but disrespectfully challenging her husband's God-given authority is one way that can get the crazy cycle going in a hurry. The way to make your husband feel respected is to tell him that because he has 51% of the responsibility, that he also has 51% of the authority.

What happens when the two of you face a difficult choice & your husband is not allowed to make the final decision? You might hear, "Do you want to be the leader or not?" Or, "Quit trying to wear the pants in this family." These comments will most likely come across to us as unloving or harsh, but this is not our husband's intention. We must decode what he is saying. Maybe this is how he feels, "When I am held responsible & then you exercise veto power, I feel disrespected." When we feel that our husband is frustrated about not being allowed to fill his leadership role we can say....

"Lots of times when I complain or criticize, I really need assurance. But I know this is a put down to your leadership. Please forgive me."

"God made us equal, but you are the one He made responsible for me & the kids. Forgive me for failing to respect your authority."

"Honey, I know you have a lot of pressure on you lead our family. Tell me how I can pray for you & help you."

"I really feel secure because of your strength & authority, especially with our children. I just want you to know that."

"When I argue or disagree with you, I am not trying to wear the pants. I am simply trying to help. Please trust my heart."

"I have been convicted lately about my contentious spirit. Please forgive me for not respecting your leadership."

Insight - Don't let your woman's intuition make you deaf to his desire to analyze & counsel.

Women are remarkably gifted with intuition, but they can often depend too much on their own opinions & not enough on their husbands' insight. Part of the problem is that the typical woman doesn't want advice or a solution. She wants empathy, a listening ear. When your husband tries to share his insights he may hear, "Quit trying to fix me!" You may be hearing, "Why tell me your problems if you don't want any help?" Those words sound unloving & mean, if you don't take the time to decode his words. When you feel as though you may have disrespected your husband by rejecting his suggested solutions, try these encouraging or energizing words instead.

"Honey, I am sorry. I know you are trying to help. It's just that I need you to listen for a while. That is what will make me feel better."

"I know I can depend too much on my feelings. I thank the Lord He has given you to me because I need your insight."

"You know, honey, we make a good team. With my intuition & your insight, we can handle a lot of problems."

" I apologize for acting like I don't want your opinions on how to deal with the kids. I need your input. It's just that sometimes I get so frustrated. I feel like nothing is working, & I take it out on you. Please forgive me."

"Honey, please forgive me for making you guess when I want your listening ear & when I want your solutions. I need to let you know."

"Honey, would it be okay if I asked you for some advice?"


Day Fifteen - 


"But grow in the grace & knowledge of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ..." 2 Peter 3:18a


Sometimes we live so close to our spouse that we fail to see him as others do; we only see our husband's faults. But take a step back. Perhaps he is growing spiritually in ways you have failed to appreciate. How can you encourage his growth in a fresh, new way? Remember - your husband is accountable to God for his spiritual development. You are accountable to God to encourage & not hinder that growth. 


Can you identify an area of spiritual strength in your husband? Does he pray or read his Bible regularly? Does he like to read about or discuss spiritual matters? Does he go to church with you? Is he a spiritual leader? What do others say about him? If you can identify a specific area, praise him for that.


If not, pray earnestly that God will work in his heart, & watch for signs of spiritual growth in the future. 


Day Fifteen Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will have a humble, teachable spirit & a servant's heart before the Lord. Pray that he will listen to God & desire to do His will. (Proverbs 15:33; Ephesians 6:6)

Decode Your Husband - Part One

Hey Ladies. Well, in about an hour, the kids will be home until January 4th. What will we do all day, everyday? LOL I can't seem to get everything done now, how will I get my work done & hang with the kids? I have a feeling that next week will be the week that I start going to the gym! I will need a few hours of sanity each day. What kinds of plans do all of you have for your children while they are home for the holiday?

The other day we talked about C-H-A-I-R-S. This is an extremely important topic & one that will require lots of practice over time. Many of you have asked, "Now that we know that we need to show respect (not love) to our husbands, how exactly do we do that?" I think that it would be good to break each part down a little deeper so that we can all have a greater understanding. If there are this many steps to decoding our husbands, can you imagine the work that they have cut out for them to decode us? Yikes! Actually, we will get into that lesson later down the road. Right now, we want to keep our focus on ourselves & we can can better our behavior. We will cover this particular lesson in three parts. Today we will do the C & H, Monday will be the A & I, & Tuesday will be the R & S. Otherwise, you will be reading for 20 minutes today. We want to keep small, manageable lessons. Ready?

Conquest - If he feels that his work is unappreciated, you'll hear about it.

"Then the Lord God took the man & put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate & keep it." But God still had more plans for Adam's work: "Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him". (Genesis 2:15-18)

When his wife is his suitable helper, his companion to stave off loneliness, & a supporter of his pursuits in the workplace, a husband feels respected. But when a wife's attention & energy are drawn from her husband, she may here him saying things that sound unloving to her. Such as.."The kids....Your focus is always on them. I'm happy that you are a great mom, but what about us?" This probably sounds unloving to you, doesn't it? You might even think that he is being selfish by saying, "What about ME?" It won't do any good for you to shout back with, "It's all about you. I am doing the best that I can!" Her husband's comment sounded critical, but what his heart was really saying was, "What happened to the cheerleader I knew during our courtship - the girl who believed in me & made me feel as if I could conquer the world?" Here are some responses that you could try that will help to keep you off of the crazy cycle.

"Honey, you're right. I get too preoccupied with the children. Will you forgive me?"

"You've made it possible for me to be a full-time mom. I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like only a meal ticket. How can I change?"

"I'm so proud of what you are doing at work. I tell everybody except you. That will change - starting right now."

"Let's set aside some time tonight just for us. I want to hear about what's been happening at work."

"The Bible says Eve was Adam's suitable helpmate. Am I your suitable helpmate? What could I do to be better at that?"

"I feel bad that you are frustrated at work, but I believe in you & I am behind you all the way."

There are many ways to send an energizing message to our husbands. How it should be expressed is a matter of personal taste. That is why I gave so many examples. Our children are important to us & they should be. I think that sometimes we feel that our husbands can fend for themselves, while our children can't because they are too small. We push our husbands out of the way for what we feel is more important (the children). However, the Bible tells us that our order should be God, our marriage, our children, & then our jobs. Our husbands helped to create our children, they allowed us to be moms in the first place, they help to provide or do all of the providing for our families. Without our husbands, our family, & possibly our security would be destroyed. Don't we owe it to him to decode his thoughts before we just assume that he is being critical of us & pouncing on him? Don't we owe it to him to respect him for what HE does for our family? Why do we make our job seem so much more important?

Hierarchy - If his desire to protect is being squelched, he may send a coded message.

In Ephesians 5:22-23 Paul lays down a dimension of God's call on the wife that can be controversial in today's culture. He writes: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...." As explained in Love & Respect, when a wife willingly places herself under her husband's protection & provision, he feels respected. But, when a wife complains that her husband is not providing what she wants or blames him for her fears or insecurities concerning the finances, he may come back with a comment like, "Quit complaining. You're a nag. Nothing that I do is good enough. You are never satisfied. You are a worrywart. If you don't like what I earn, then why don't you go back to school & improve your career options so that I can live off of you!"

Of course, these comments will sound unloving to us, if we don't take a minute to decode what our husband is really saying. Consider for a moment that your husband already knows that what he is doing is not enough to provide all that is needed. That he is worried too & doesn't know where else to turn. What your husband is really trying to say is, "I'm supposed to be the head of this family & it is often a little scary. I'm trying to be responsible & you could help me by telling me that you respect my desire to provide for you."

Headship can be a touchy subject in some marriages, but a wife who is willing to decode her husband's words may figure out that he feels like his position as head of the family is being threatened or ignored. Here are some energizing responses to get you thinking in the right direction.....

"Honey, I'm sorry for coming across in a way that belittles you. This has nothing to do with you. These are my fears rooted in my childhood. Will you forgive me?"

"Have I ever told you how safe I feel with you? I like that feeling a lot."

"I often thank the Lord for how you protect & provide for me & the kids. I am sorry if I am not telling you enough."

"When I realize that you would die for me if necessary, I am overwhelmed. Thank you!"

"I am so thankful I am married to a responsible man. It means a lot to me."

"Honey, I complain too much & I don't say I respect you often enough. I apologize."

Our husbands need to be seen as our protectors & providers for the family. We should not ignore this need as it is deep within our husbands & needs to be met.

Both of these examples today have been an issue before in my own home. They created more crazy cycle moments than I care to share. I have seen a tremendous change in Adam & in myself since we have been more aware of each other's needs, desires, & what it means to understand & decode each other. It isn't always easy, but if we just remember that we are both good-willed people who love each other, it is much easier to not take offense & figure out how to diffuse the problem. It is such an amazing feeling when your efforts are successful & you can laugh & remember how that conversation would have previously gone!

Day Fourteen - 


"The righteous man walks in his integrity...." (Proverbs 20:7a)


Every week there are news reports about men who gave into temptations & compromised what they said that they believed. We hear countless reports about dishonest business dealings, hidden infidelity, & hypocritical leaders. It's so easy to focus on these things & ignore those who are being honest, faithful, & genuine. As you continue in this 30 day challenge, determine to look for ways that your husband stands out against culture. 


Is your husband a man of integrity? Is he fair in his dealings with people? Does he understand the meaning of justice? Is he honest in business? Unhypocritical in his faith? Consider all of the ways a man can live in integrity, & praise your husband for one of them. 


As you have the opportunity - as it is appropriate - share examples of your husband's honesty & integrity with others. 


Day Fourteen Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will cultivate strong integrity, & not compromise his convictions. Pray that his testimony will be genuine, that he will be honest in his business dealings, & will never do anything that he needs to hide from others. (Proverbs 20:7; 1 Timothy 1:5, 3:7; Ephesians 6:10-12)

Teaching VS Yelling

I was just returning an email to someone & I felt inspired to start writing my post for tomorrow. (It is still Wednesday, even though you are reading this on Thursday. I am sneaky.) I know that this blog is titled, "Women's MARRIAGE Ministry" but I want to talk about something today that I think helps our marriages by helping us personally, helping our children, & therefore also helping our marriages. Really, anything that helps us personally, will have a positive effect on our marriage relationship, right? So from time to time we may talk about other things that could help our self image, parenting, etc. 

At the end of last quarter the kids brought home their report cards. Allyson's had a note saying that she needed to be more focused on completing her homework. Apparently, she had been missing a decent number of assignments. Now, every single day I ask Ally what she has for homework, & before bed I ask if it was all done. This is without fail, every day. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this note. We sat down Allyson & told her that this is not acceptable & there would be a punishment if we saw a note like this again. We asked her why she wasn't completing her homework & we got her "regular" answer of, "I don't know." We reiterated that this better not happen again.

Fast forward to last week. The kids got their mid-quarter reports. Although Allyson had brought up almost every single grade by a letter, there was a note. Any guesses? "Allyson needs to turn in all assignments." It appears that they had a reading wheel assignment where she was to read 4 books & she only did two. I was steaming mad. She knew the rules, yet she didn't care. (at least in my mind) I asked her why she didn't get this  work done & she just sat there. I asked her if being on the computer or watching TV was getting in the way. She said, "yes". Well, that shocked me. LOL I reminded her that I ask her every day if she has homework or if she is done. I asked her if she is lying to me every day. She said, "Yes." She knew at that moment that she did wrong. I told her that I would have to discuss this with Adam & we would talk to her after dinner. This was a BIG move for me because I hate punishing the kids & I knew that Adam would probably be harder on her than I would. But, in my journey to be a better wife & to show that Adam & I are a united front, it was necessary.

We sat at the table & came up with all of the normal punishments. No computer, no TV, more chores, etc. Then I remembered that type of punishment NEVER taught me anything. My dad would scream, yell, make me feel like crap dirt, & the only thing that I got out of it was hating him. I did my punishment & then often violated the same rule again. I didn't learn. How could I? Nobody was really teaching me.

Adam had a great idea. First, Allyson would have to apologize to her teacher for not completing the work that she assigned to her that would help her learn. We explained that it is her teacher's job to teach her & it is important to her. Not doing her assignments might show her that you don't care about her job or her investment in your education. This killed Ally & she cried about the thought of it all night. I told her if it upset her that much, then she just might work harder to not have to go through this again. She also had to ask her teacher if she could still complete the work & get credit. If not, we were going to make her do it anyway. Thankfully, her teacher is going to give her partial points.

Adam also found a solution instead of just a useless punishment. The yellow notebook. Ally is now required to write in this notebook every single day. Every single assignment MUST be written. She is not to cross it off until it is totally 100% complete. If there is a longer assignment that lasts for several weeks, she still has to write it every single day until it is done. No excuses. This will give her organization & will eliminate her saying that she forgot about the work when her next report card comes. This conversation took about an hour of patience, understanding, & care. Obviously, yelling & punishing could have taken a lot less. We realized that night that we have to teach our children how to be better, not just yell at them when they aren't. If we don't teach them, who will?

So, this got me thinking tonight. How many times do we yell at our husbands for the same things, over & over? How many times do they yell at us? We end up hating them & they end up hating us, just like when we cursed our parents under our breath when we were little. Maybe hate is an extreme word but it doesn't feel any better in my heart than resentment or dislike. It is still terrible & not an appropriate way to love & respect each other. Maybe we need to sit down & teach each other how to make us happy. What YOU think makes him happy may not matter at all. I could do 100 things for Adam each day, but if I leave out the one thing that really mattered, I have failed. Haven't you ever felt that way? Have you ever yelled at your husband for doing things for you, but forgetting one thing? Maybe he didn't know that you needed that one thing the most. Maybe we hurt his spirit when he did those other things & they weren't good enough for us. Maybe that is why he doesn't do anything anymore. He is going to get yelled at anyway so why even bother.

We need to show him how we like the counters cleaned, how to fold the towels, or where to put the groceries. He is doing it all wrong because he hasn't been taught. Of course, you need to teach him in a non-threatening or aggressive way. Let him know how much you appreciate his help & that you are so sorry for yelling in the past. Ask him if he would mind if you show him how you like it to help you not find unnecessary fault in him. Let him know that you have realized this terrible flaw in yourself & that you are going to work on it. You just might need his help, grace, & prayers. Ask him what you could be doing better for him. He may not give you a list just yet because he doesn't trust that a confrontation won't break out. Give him time. Be sure that when he does ask you to do something for him, that you ask if there is a specific way that he likes it done.

Be thankful for his help, his want to help us, & his courage to "try" to do it the "right" way. Or should I say our picky, obsessive compulsive way? Just like Ally didn't ignore those assignments to upset her teacher or upset us, your husband doesn't help you just to upset you. He helps to help & to make you happy. Lets all vow to appreciate that a little more than we do today. It will probably result in a lot more help. :)

Day Thirteen - 


"I am my beloved's, & his desire is toward me." (Song of Solomon 7:10)


The sexual relationship. It's one of those elements - along with money & children - that can derail a marriage through negative comments. Negativity destroys intimacy, but encouragement builds & strengthens the marriage bond. 


Let's get practical here. Is your husband a "good lover"? Have you told him so? Be specific. Let him know what pleases you. (teaching him the "right" way) Most husbands genuinely want to please their wives, especially in this important area of marriage. Especially if your satisfaction will lead to more intimate moments for them as well. 


In moments of intimacy, do you find your mind wandering? This can change as you focus on something wonderful about your husband. Realize that your husband wants intimacy with you....his desire towards you.


Does this area of your marriage need some work? Remember, that this is a sensitive area for men. Be sure to encourage his lovemaking & masculinity in positive ways. 


Day Thirteen Prayer - 


Pray that your husband will yield his sexual drive to the Lord & practice self control. Pray that your sexual intimacy together will be fresh, positive, & a reflection of selfless love. (Proverbs 5:15, 18; 1 Corinthians 7:3; Song of Solomon 7:10)

C-H-A-I-R-S

Thank you, thank you, thank you! So many of you emailed Adam yesterday wishing him a Happy Birthday & you all made him feel so special. It means so much to us that so many of you would take time out of your busy days to do that. Thank you!

After I blogged yesterday I sent a Twitter that I went to VS (Victoria's Secret) & that I got a last minute "gift" for Adam. I hate to go into all of my personal details but I think that my journey will help at least one of you. My sweet husband gave me a $100 gift card to VS for our anniversary in October. Until yesterday I had not used one cent of it. I gained 15 pounds in the last 3 months, why would I? Well, maybe because Adam clearly was hoping that I would buy something from there. LOL Who wants to buy bigger "sexy" panties? I don't feel sexy when I gain weight. What would I do? I went in there with the intention of getting some super hot, flannel pajamas. Maybe not hot in the way that Adam had dreamed of, but hot, warm, & cozy for me!

I think I was in the store for an hour. I took my time, reminded myself that Adam bought me the gift card (probably with a little hint attached), & that it was his birthday. I tried to keep an open mind & I actually started to feel sexy. I didn't go with the flannel pajamas because I honestly didn't like the patterns. What would I do? I couldn't go the super sexy route because I wouldn't feel comfortable & then I would have defeated the purpose & wasted my money. So I went with this:

  

Sexy, but it covers all of my "problem" areas. Thankfully my knees & below don't make me want to hide under the covers, in the dark. LOL Funny thing is that when I just went on their website to get these photos I noticed that they are 2/$30 & I paid $26 for one. I guess I am going back tonight to get another "gift" for Adam for Christmas. Yay! I know it is only a t-shirt but Adam thought it was sexy. What was sexy was that I got dressed up just for him, did my hair, & made my eyes all smoky. (I have never done that before so I Googled: how to apply eye makeup) Stop laughing at me! I spent only $15 but all of the effort that I went through for him made him feel so special. I met him at the door when he got home & did day 13 all over again. The rest ladies, will have to remain private. :)

As some of you noticed from Adam's FB post last night, he enjoyed his brownies for dinner & some scrumptious chocolate covered strawberries (& apples) that were delivered to us for Adam's birthday by a very sweet blog friend. I will show you a photo, but don't drool on them. Actually, I added chocolate covered strawberries to my Christmas list.

Last night, as I reflected on the day I realized that I had gone through more trouble for Adam's birthday than I ever had. I have spent more money in the past, but I thought out these gifts from the heart. Adam thanked me a hundred times yesterday & told me that this was the best birthday ever. We had such a good time as a couple & I genuinely enjoyed the GIVING part of things so much that I felt like it was my birthday too. It was amazing. You always hear people say that it is better to give than to receive, that true happiness comes from giving to others. It felt so good to make Adam so happy.  Thank you all again for making my husband feel as wonderful as he is. 

C-H-A-I-R-S: A checkup for wives (from: The Language of Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)

If a wife can use the C-H-A-I-R-S principle each day, she takes a giant step toward making her husband feel unconditionally respected. 

Conquest - Because "God took the man & put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it & keep it" (Genesis 2:15), I need to grasp why & how all men feel obligated & drawn to work. 

Does my husband know I am behind his desire to work? Do I support him in his field of endeavor? Do I really understand how important my husband's job is to him - that it is the very warp & woof of his being? Do I realize that my recognition of the significance of my husband's work energizes him & how fond feelings of affection for me to arise in him in response to his recognition? 

Hierarchy - Because - he is called by God to be "the head of his wife, as Christ also is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:23), my husband needs to hear my gratitude for his willingness to protect, provide, & even die for me. 

Do I express my respect & appreciation for his sense of responsibility for me, or do I either openly or subtly resent the biblical concept of the husband's headship, feeling that my husband views headship as a right over me, not a responsibility for me? Am I willing to send my husband a card or a note to tell him how much I respect him? What would I say to thank him for his desire to take care of me? Do I fully understand how much such a statement of respect for his commitment to protect me can touch him deeply?

Authority - Because Scripture tells wives to "submit to your own husband, as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), I need to place myself under his protection & provision, & when stalemates arise, I need to let him know I am willing to defer to his decisions, trusting God to guide him. 

Do I let my husband know that, because he has the responsibility to protect & to provide for me, I recognize he also has primary authority in our family, or do I insist on an "egalitarian" marriage where we both have equal authority, yet I contradict "egalitarianism" by expecting him to be primarily responsible? Do I recognize my husband's desire to be the leader in relationship to me? Do I allow my husband to be the leader, or do I take the lead because frankly, I am better at a lot of things than he is? Am I on record with my husband that, because he has 51 percent of the responsibility (to die for me), he has 51 percent of the authority?

Insight - Because the Bible teaches that is was Eve who was deceived (1 Timothy 2:14; 2 Corinthians 11:3), I should be very aware that there will be moments when I can be misled by my feelings & want to ignore my husband's counsel. 

Do I need to turn to him for his opinion & analysis, or do I tend to depend more on my intuition? Do I realize that we are a team - that our marriage needs my intuition AND his insight? Do I regularly ask for my husband's advice? Do I follow it? If my husband offers ideas or opinions that are contrary to mine, am I open to changing, or do I reject out of hand his wish to offer insight? Do I often see my husband as wrong, sinful, & in need of correction & myself as right, good, & correct? Do I sometimes try to be my husband's Holy Spirit?

Relationship - Because the Bible clearly speaks of how a wife should be her husband's friend as well as his lover (see especially Song of Solomon 5:16), I should recognize the value of just being with him. 

How much shoulder to shoulder time do I spend with my husband? Do we do things as friends & companions? Do I ever just sit with him - to watch a ball game or TV program - because I understand his desire for me to be with him? Do I ever just sit & watch him work on something without having to talk?

Sexuality - Because a husband should have eyes only for his wife (Proverbs 5:19), a wife blesses her husband when she understands his vulnerabilities & meets his sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:5).

Do I understand that my husband's need for sex is really an indication of his deeper need for respect? Do I sometimes deprive my husband of sex because I don't feel he meets my needs for intimacy & love? Do I think we need to be close before we can share sexually, or do I see having sex with him as a way to feel close? Am I willing to give my husband the sexual release he needs even when I am not in the mood?

This woman sounds terribly familiar to me. It was not that long ago that she played an active, disrespectful role in my marriage. I challenge you to read each of these daily, or at least weekly. How can you make improvements to your behavior & to your marriage?

Day Twelve - 

"With all lowliness & gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love." 

(Ephesians 4:2)

Part of the difficulty that you may face as you continue in this 30 day challenge to encourage your husband is that you are really struggling to find positive things to praise. Perhaps the problem is not with your husband. Have you checked your own heart?

Sometimes we get disillusioned because of our own unreasonable or unrealistic expectations (Proverbs 13:12). It may not be that our mates are doing something wrong; it's simply that we expect too much in some areas. 

Our expectations must be met in God alone, & then we will have the right perspective to ask God for the healing & grace we need to respond to others. 

How sad that we give more grace to others than to those in our own homes. Today, try to look at your husband through the eyes of grace. Verbally thank your husband for what he is already doing. 

Day Twelve Prayer - 

Pray that your husband will use practical skills to build your family & make wise decisions for your welfare. Pray that he will serve unselfishly. (Gal. 5:13; Phil 2:3-4)

The Rewarded Cycle

Hello everyone. Before I start off with today's message I have to give a big ole

to my amazing husband, Adam. Adam is celebrating his 31st birthday today & he looks, acts, loves, feels, smells, hugs, & kisses better than ever. Seriously, I think 31 is the new 21. Yippee! We celebrated a little over the weekend since Adam would be stuck at work most of the day today. However, instead of getting off at 7 or 8pm, he will be home around 3:30 or so. I can't wait. I already gave him his present so I will go ahead & share it with all of you too. Let me know what you think.

I have to say that it looks absolutely amazing on him. Adam gave me my cross on Mother's Day this year & I haven't taken it off since. I play with it all the time & I am so proud of it. He told me a few months ago that he wanted to get a black cross of some kind. I honestly didn't even know where to start so the internet seemed like the perfect choice. Who wants to drive around all day getting hassled by sales people? Adam loves the "tribal" thing as I am sure that you have all noticed from that arm sleeve tattoo that he has. This cross seemed to fit him perfectly. My biggest struggle was deciding on what length to get the chain. Don't laugh, I Googled online ruler because I didn't have one at home. I then took an old chain of his & measured it out on my screen. Problem solved. LOL I am so blessed that I have a husband that would want to receive a cross to display his faith on a daily basis. Thank you God for this perfect man!

When Adam comes home today he will have his birthday treat waiting for him. He isn't much of a cake guy but brownies are the way straight to his heart. So, we are going to have a double batch of:

Maybe a double batch is a bit extreme, but you only have a birthday once a year. His favorite pieces are the end pieces so we always save those for him. He loves to eat them with a BIG glass of milk. I think I am going to have to arrange them to look like a cake at least. I want to do something creative. Any ideas?

We have talked about the Crazy Cycle in the past & I am sure that most of us can relate to that cycle a little to well. Today I want to introduce you to The Rewarded Cycle. There is a third cycle as well but I feel as though my heart is pressing me to teach you The Rewarded Cycle first. I have received many emails from you all telling me that you are trying so hard & things are just not improving. You feel like giving up, & in fact several of you have. A few times. We can't quit on our husbands every time we do not get the outcome that we are hoping for. It took our marriage years in most cases to get to the place that it is in today. We can't expect 14 days or 31 days of being respectful to change him 100%. That can happen, but we shouldn't expect it. Honestly, most of you aren't forgiving him for everything that he has done in that same 14 or 31 days or you wouldn't be quitting so easily.

Well, in honor of Adam's birthday, I have a gift for all of you as well. I am going to explain The Rewarded Cycle, but you can also listen to it by clicking here. The link is part of an actual Love & Respect conference in which Dr. Eggerichs speaks specifically about The Rewarded Cycle. (There are a few other links that would interest most of you as well) Click around & enjoy. You will learn so much! It is priceless information & hearing it straight from the source is amazing.

What is The Rewarded Cycle? HIS LOVE BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HER RESPECT. HER RESPECT BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HIS LOVE. The Rewarded Cycle means that God blesses a wife who respects her husband regardless of his love. These blessings are the rewards that God gives us because of our love for Christ. Christ is the motivation for our action. Don't give up. Keep doing your part because in God's economy, no effort to obey Him is wasted. God intends to reward you even if your spouse is unresponsive.

Proverbs 24:16 says, "a righteous, committed spouse falls seven times & rises again." Spouses on The Rewarded Cycle know the secret of success, & maturity. They keep getting up & dealing with the issues. They don't demand for instant solutions. They are in their marriage for the long haul, & they live obedient to God in order to hear, "Well done, good & faithful servant." (Matthew 25:21)

Remember: in the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ. A key to benefiting from The Rewarded Cycle is in one word: unconditional. No matter how depressing or irritating your spouse is, YOUR response is YOUR responsibility. Try to look at it this way, when you are entering a conflict, your spouse is not causing you to be the way that you are. They are revealing the way that you are. When you are acting disrespectful towards your husband it is because YOU still have issues. Because YOU have some more growing & learning to do. You have a choice, you can play a victim & quit, or you can admit YOUR failure & become more mature. You will not become more mature by playing the victim.

No matter how unloving a husband may be at the moment, when a wife unconditionally respects him out of obedience to Christ, she can win him "without a word" (see 1 Peter 3:1-2), that is, influence him to follow Christ, which also results in him treating her better.

Ladies, I know this is hard. Believe me, I lived it. I handle to handle the daily rejection of Adam telling me that our marriage was over, that I was becoming better for someone else, that he didn't love me or ever had, & many other things. One of the scriptures that kept me focused & helped to get me through that time was in fact 1 Peter 3:1-2) You know what? It worked! God blessed me & my marriage. Please don't give up ladies. There IS hope, even though you might not feel it right now, today. If you feel like throwing in the towel because you can't do it for yourself or you can't do it for your husband, do it for Christ. You will be rewarded.

Day Eleven - 

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)

Women who are constantly negative toward their husbands - especially by speaking evil of them to others - show great disrespect. Determine not to do that today (or ever). This challenge to encourage is closely connected to submission. 

Men respond to women who respect them. What do you respect about your husband? Part of that respect includes submission to his authority. Let your husband know how respecting him makes it easier to submit to his leadership. Show your respect in public by listening to him & smiling at him when he speaks. Place your hand in his as you walk together. 

If you feel that you have nothing to respect, search harder....nearly every man has some core characteristic that can be nurtured & respected. In any case, you must still cultivate a submissive spirit to his position of leadership...."as to the Lord."

Day Eleven Prayer - 

Pray that your husband will learn how to relax in the Lord, & in his greatest times of stress, find joy & peace in his relationship with God. Pray that he will submit his schedule to the Lord. (Neh. 8:10; Prov. 17:22; Ps. 16:11)