When Adam & I were separated over the summer, I naturally became very depressed. I was already sad because we had just lost Kayleigh & losing Adam & our home just made things even worse. Several people mentioned that I should give anti-depressants a whirl. I am NOT a medicine taker at all. Seriously, I have to be dying to take a Tylenol. Well, if I could get that IV Demerol that I had in the hospital, that might be a different story. Considering that I couldn't get off the couch, or function, I called my doctor. They decided that with all that was going on, I was a good candidate.
The last few months, since our family is back together, I have never felt better. It seemed that those anti-depressants were just not necessary anymore. Some would say, "Leave well enough alone & just stay one them." But remember, I am not a medicine taker. Plus, I am not convinced that staying on them & trying to get pregnant is the best choice. With each passing month & another visit from Auntie Flow, I keep telling myself that God wants me to stop taking them before he will bless us with another pregnancy. So, I decided to safely wean myself off & spoke with my doctor to see if she objected. I took my last partial pill on January 5th or 6th.
I went to the doctor on January 6th to have my blood re-drawn to check my white blood cell count. It was a little low in December & they were concerned enough to re-draw two weeks later. Well, being the sinner worry wart that I am, I had convinced myself that I could be dying from cancer. I could tell in the voice of the nurse that she thought I was nuts, but my level was VERY low according to what I saw online. Why would I not think that I would be dying of cancer? God seems to love giving me these challenges. I am the poster girl for Crisis Provides Opportunity. I started thinking that God would give me cancer so that I would blog about it & try to help others. Because He knows that I won't just lay down & die. He knows that I will fight so he will give me this because I can "handle" it. No! I don't want to be that strong. I just want things to be "easy". I want to enjoy my life for awhile without worry.
On January 7th, Auntie Flow showed up, once again, unwelcome. Why? Because I have cancer? Why is it not my time? Worry, worry, sin, sin. I just couldn't stop myself. I was supposed to get the results of my blood work by the end of the week. I set the alarm on my phone for 3:45pm because I wanted to be sure that I reached someone at the office before they closed. I didn't want my much needed weekend alone with my gorgeous husband ruined by worry. I wanted to face my problems head on or be freed from them. No more wondering. My alarm went off & I chickened out. I changed my mind & decided that ignorance was going to be bliss. NOT! My phone rang 20 minutes later, it was the doctor. I am not sure that I took a breath while the lady on the other end spoke. (Note to self, not breathing could kill me a lot faster) She said that my white count was stable & they wanted me to come back in 4 months to be checked again. A slight breath. Ahh. Of course, I am still worried about 4 months from now, but I am relaxing & praising God for the time being.
So, how is all of this linked together & why should you care? Well, needless to say I am a little more needy, female doggish, "emotional", than normal. Is it the whole possibly dying of cancer thing, not being on anti-depressants, not being pregnant again, PMS, or a combo of several? Who knows? I just know that I haven't been easy to live with this week. Adam has been working from 6am-8pm most every day. I have started to live for the weekend. It is the only time that I really see him or get to enjoy him. Don't get me wrong, I am SO proud of him for working so hard, I just miss him. Terribly. Some days I am home by myself, no kids, no adults, no people at all. I sometimes do not leave the house for 2-3 days because I have no reason to. It can get lonely. Add the stresses above & there is a nasty cocktail.
This came to a head on Friday night. I was so excited about the good news from the doctor & I had gotten over my not being pregnant again frustration. I knew that Adam wanted some bedroom time since I denied him the night before (& the night before that) because my cramps were making me nauseous. I showered, went out of my way to look nice, got him a treat from the store, rented movies, etc. I couldn't wait to spend time together. When I got home, I asked Adam to do a quick, little thing for me. He was in the middle of something & asked me to bring what I needed to him. I got very upset, then angry, & then I went into silent mode. I couldn't believe that he couldn't just help me with all that I was doing for him! How dare him! We sat down for dinner & my dinner was not the best that I ever cooked. I heard it twice & not just from Adam. I became more & more enraged & hurt at the same time. I was in that state where every single little thing feels HUGE. Enter - the crazy cycle.
I started to tell Adam how he hurt me, made me feel like crap, wasn't loving me enough, etc. etc. As Dr. Eggerich says, "Most of the time, the issue isn't the issue." Of course I feel that Adam loves me enough. I can't even believe that I was thinking that. Most of what I said that night was completely exaggerated. My feelings were hurt & I couldn't see past that. My words told him that he was unloving & then he heard how disrespectful I was being. Who would stop this? Who would be the "more mature one"? On Friday night, nobody.
Our night was completely ruined. We took the kids to Mike's on Saturday morning since it was his weekend & we got right back on the crazy cycle. Of course this was an honest attempt to "fix" things, but it never works out quite like you planned. Here I am so upset that I didn't get to spend time with my husband last weekend, all week, the night before, & now we are fighting again. ARG! I didn't know how to stop it & I reached a point that I didn't care. Yes, that's right. Me, the marriage blogger, wanted to give up. I started to convince myself that I didn't need this, I didn't need Adam, I didn't care if he wanted to leave, I hoped that he would, blah, blah, blah. I really believed these things which is SO scary to me at this moment. I love my husband with all of my heart, body, & soul. He is an amazing man & I am so blessed to have him by my side. What was I doing? Could I not see past this hurt to remind myself that Adam is a good willed man that also loves me with all of his heart, body, & soul?
I tried once more to "repair" things. I cried & cried. I was sorting through my emotions as I spoke, as women often do. It wasn't even that Adam didn't want to do that one little thing for me. I just didn't give him a chance to finish what he needed 5 minutes to do & then he would have been happy to do that one thing & then some. Finally, we made progress. Thank you Jesus! I figured it out. I sat still long enough to hear what the Lord was yelling at me. All I needed was a hug. I needed to be held & told that everything was okay. That's it. Two days of fighting, two days of our lives wasted...totally erased in 10 seconds of a hug. It was like Adam squeezed all of the pain & sorrow out of me. I needed to feel his protection & to feel safe in his arms. The devil has been attacking me in every direction, including my dreams. I didn't realize how bad until it all blew up. The devil almost won. He almost had us again.
He even tried again on Sunday morning but we caught it in time. When I got home in the evening from work we ate pizza, watched a movie, laughed a lot, tickled a lot, & then we just laid together, close. We didn't even speak for most of the time. Through Adam's heartbeat I could literally feel myself being recharged. I could feel that total oneness that the Bible speaks of. It was amazing! We have found something new to do together that will bring our intimacy to a new level. I can't wait until tonight to do it again. Funny thing is, as I laid there & listened to Adam's breathing, the rhythm of it, I started to get "excited" if you know what I mean. Focusing on his sounds, his breath, his heart, was so erotic. Proof to me that being close, having intimacy even with our clothes on & no other intentions, could bring us closer sexually. Both of us happy, both of us getting what we want.
I learned something really valuable this weekend. I learned that a marriage, even in its very best of times could be beaten by the devil, doubt, anger, sorrow, & unintentional pain. So, if a marriage is not in it's best of times or even on it's last leg, you HAVE to work that much harder. You should NEVER take a break from working on one of the most important things in your life. One minute I loved Adam with all of my heart & the next I thought I would be okay if he walked out the door again. Really? How ridiculous is that? I fought the truth this weekend. I didn't want to remember the good, I didn't want things to work, I didn't want to read my books to remind me of how I "should" be. I wanted to be mad. I felt justified. But, I wasn't. The only thing that kept me going was my promise to the Lord. I knew that I would disappoint Him. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, even if it felt so right. I had to remember that feelings follow choices. I very, very slowly chipped away at my pain so that the rational side of me could re-enter. Thank you God for not giving up on me when I was so strongly disobeying you.
I know that I probably annoy some of you with my positive attitude all of the time. How I push you & push you to be the best that you can be for you, your husband, & for the Lord. I know that you hate hearing that you have to be the more mature one, when you want to be immature. I know that you don't want to be reminded of your Biblical duties as a wife. I get it. I really do. But all of the pushing is preparing you for YOUR satanic attack on your marriage if you aren't already trying to dig out of one. You WILL be faced with a weekend like mine at some point. You need the right tools & ammunition to survive. You wouldn't go into a battle unarmed, would you? Start getting stronger today. Start fixing what is broken in YOU. Start building or strengthening your relationship with the only person that could truly protect you, the Lord. You are worth it! Your marriage is worth it! Your family is worth it! You can't survive without it!
If you are joining in on the New Testament in 30 Days Challenge, here is the link again to our support group. We already have a few posts from women that are on the ball & done with day 1! Go ladies. You can also see my post from this morning with even more info.
Day Twenty Six -
"And Jesus increased in wisdom & stature, & in favor with God & men." Luke 2:52
If you have faithfully encouraged your husband, you will no doubt have seen some changes in his life....& your own life, as well. Encouragement is a wonderful habit that we hope you will continue for the rest of your life.
The important thing is to keep growing in Christ & obeying the Word of God as you respond to your husband. As you consider today how to bless your husband & not tear him down, think of ways that you can encourage balance in your home.
Jesus led a balanced life. He grew mentally, physically, spiritually, & socially. As you see your husband branching out in these areas, is there a pattern of growth? Is your husband striving for balance in his life? If so, let him know that you have noticed, & ask how you can further encourage that balance.
If your husband is out of balance - focusing on one area to the exclusion of the others - consider whether there are things you can do to help restore or create balance in his life. Can you encourage times for sports or exercise? Keep the children quiet for a study time? Invite friends over for dinner? Stimulate his mind?
Be sure that you are working toward balance in your own life, as well. Be an example!
Day Twenty Six Prayer -
Pray that your husband will enjoy his manliness as he patterns his life after Christ & strong men in faith. Pray for his physical, emotional, mental, social, & spiritual strength. (Ephesians 3:16; 1 Peter 2:21; 1 Corinthians 10:11)
2 years ago