Do Your Words Speak Love & Respect?

I hope that all of you have been enjoying the daily challenges. Tonight was a fun one because it involved food! Am I right? I pray that all of your dinners & desserts turned out perfectly & you didn't have any traumatic kitchen nightmares.

I forgot to mention the other night when I was posting about the Love & Respect series that you can watch video testimonials of other couples online. My mentor, Lisa Shea's testimony is posted there. Check them out. I love hearing the stories of other couples that turned their marriages around. Many of them seemed hopeless & they were able to revive them. Here is the link again but you can always find it on my sidebar. http://www.loveandrespect.com/.

I was listening to my Crazy Cycle CD again this morning & Dr. Eggerichs asks a few questions that I would like for you all to think about. Do you feel like your husband has a good heart? Do you feel that your husband is good willed? If you have children, would you trust your children to be in your husband's care if you passed away? If you answered yes to these questions, I challenge you to think again about why you may be considering divorce. Could it just be because you have become bitter, lost your way, or have closed off your own heart? If you really believe that your husband is a good willed man & is good to your children, don't you want to fight to hang on to him? Something to think about it.

I know that last night I dropped this respect bomb on you. Some of you might be thinking that you are a strong independent woman, you don't want to be submissive to your husband or that by respecting him, you are not considered "equal". I think that a few months ago I would have probably felt some of those same things. I have always been strong willed & a leader. However, I realize now that what I was doing was disobedient to God. I can be a leader at my job, but not in my home. That is Adam's job & that is what God called him to do. By interfering with that plan & not allowing Adam to do his Godly duty, I am also disrespecting him. This does not mean that I am less of a person or woman for obeying. I am simply being the part of the TEAM that I am supposed to be.

When you speak to your husband or about your husband in public, around your friends, family, or co-workers, do you speak about him in the highest regard? Do you go out of your way to uplift him? Do others think more highly of your husband than you do? When you speak of your husband, can others feel the love & respect that you have for him?


I have been extremely guilty of this in the past. However, it was never intentional. What I thought was innocent picking on him came across terribly disrespectful to him. The worst part is, due to the fact that he is wired the way that he is & because he knows that I would probably wrongfully attack him for bringing to my attention the innocent complaining, he just kept bottling it up. His wounds were getting deeper & deeper & I didn't even realize what I was doing was causing so much trouble.

It is sad to say & embarrassing to admit, but I allowed others to honor my husband considerably more than I did. Adam is the sweetest, most sincere, loving, honest, helpful, & encouraging man that I have ever known, but he wasn't hearing that from me. Most of you reading Kayleigh's blog gave my husband more praise than I did. That is ridiculous! What was I thinking? Was I just taking him for granted? Did I harbor so much frustration, anger, pain, or even resentment that I was blind to his wonderful qualities? Ladies, are you doing this in your marriage? As painful as it is, please be honest with yourself. I am not one to admit that I am wrong & I honestly think it took Adam leaving me for me to see what I was doing. You need to correct this issue before it happens to you.

I haven't mentioned this before & I don't mean to be egotistical, but I have a God given talent to be a great salesperson. Unfortunately, I was using this precious gift to manipulate & get my way. I don't believe that I knew that I was doing this, which I guess is the good news. I thought that I was just "sticking up" for my opinions or trying to prove a point. What I was doing was teaching Adam that he would never win with me. I was damaging his manhood & making him feel less in our home. I unfortunately was letting him know loud & clear that he was NOT our leader. What kind of damage are you causing?

One of the biggest eye openers from me was how I was treating Adam in relation to Brandon & Allyson. We would discuss this issue from time to time, but like everything else, Adam would drop it to do the honorable thing & avoid confrontation. I am not one of those mothers who thinks that the children do no wrong, but I have to say that my kids are pretty awesome. Brandon is a wonderful mix of handsome, sweet, hilarious, & loving. Allyson is gorgeous, (did you notice that she looks like me - LOL) motherly, intelligent, & sensitive. They very rarely get into any trouble. However, when they do get in trouble, it is usually Adam bringing it to their attention. He will admit that he gets frustrated a little quicker than I do. When he does, it bothers me to no end. I feel that it always happens at the worst times. If I slaved and sweated buckets over a nice family dinner, something happens for Adam to scold the kids while we trying to have special family time by us all eating together. If we are having a rare day out at the park or zoo, something will happen and Adam would punish them. I don't intend to sweep the kids disobedience under the rug. I just want to maintain a family unity where we all get along & have a good time. Between school, work, personal activities, & the kids spending half of the week with their dad, we don't get that much time together. I don't want to spend it arguing. I have been known more times than not to question Adam about his discipline & often this is done in front of Brandon & Allyson. I realized that this is NOT the way that this should be handled. If I am being honest, this is my biggest struggle of all & I am a work in progress. I "mean" no disrespect because I simply want to "protect" everyone's feelings, but what I am doing is showing a huge amount of disrespect. What I am really doing is showing Adam that the kid's feeling are more important. Is it a shock that he didn't feel as though he was a good leader? I didn't let him!

Ladies, I know that I am not alone here. I am sure that some of you are feeling absolutely ashamed of yourself right now because you are realizing what you have been doing too. I understand. I feel like I just drug myself through the mud typing this. However, I know in my heart that I am good willed & never intentionally did any of this. That counts for something. I am so blessed that God showed me the error of my ways before it was too late. Can you imagine realizing your faults after the divorce, after you break your children's hearts, & after your husband has remarried? I personally would be devastated.

When I married Adam, I knew that he was my soul mate. He was the person that God chose for me & I couldn't have been happier. Hang on to that. Some of you feel as if you never loved your husbands from the start and you probably never thought you should have gotten married in the first place. Honestly and with complete respect to all of you who feel this way, you have convinced yourself of these lies! The longer the problems have been going on, the further away from the real truth you feel. Check this out...in three short months, Adam convinced himself that we should have never gotten married and that he loved me for all the wrong reasons. He will mark my words and tell you that he convinced himself of lies because it was easier for him. I am sure a psychologist would back me up on this, but you have trained your subconscious mind to believe these lies you have told yourself day in and day out for such a long time. These lies started when you were angry at your husband and you started to think negative thoughts. Just like any negative habit, it festers and grows worse and worse until it is either recognized and fixed, or it ruins a lot more than you could have imagine. The sad thing is, most people realize this issue after the damage has been done. I hope this hits home and you recognize this problem right now and fix it. They say that people change & people grow apart. but I believe that people make changes. They move apart because of how they are treated. That can be repaired. Don't let a divorce happen in your life & have to settle for second best. You have your God chosen partner with you right now, today. Don't lose him.

Lesson #4 - When your husband is around, say something honorable about him in front of your children or his peers. Perhaps say, "When it comes to math, few are as smart as your dad. Why don't you ask him to help you with that question." Or, "Your dad works every day so that we can live in this home. He is a very hard worker." Or, "Do you know what I admired about your dad when we first met? It was....."


This kind of thing is not hard for us women. We are only talking about a few sentences. God has gifted us to communicate. If you are thinking that you can't do this, you are lying to yourself. The truth is that you don't WANT to say something honorable to a man that you don't feel is as nice as he should be to you. You are locked into the idea that he must earn your respect. I know that you might be upset with him & that he should also be honoring you. Remember, the most mature one moves first. The more respect you give, the more opportnity he has to (in return) show love. A mature wife looks beyond her husband & speaks these words because the Lord wants us to.
1 Peter 3:9 says, "not returning.....insult for insult, but give a blessing instead."
You can give a verbal blessing. No sweat!


"Lord, thank you so much for getting me through the first three days of this challenge. I am looking forward to the changes that I can make in myself & in my marriage. Please open my heart & my mind to do these challenges to the fullest & without resistance. Lord, please don't let any negative feelings that I may have about my husband come through in my expressions or demeanor. Please continue to hold my hand & guide me through this forest. I can't find my way without you. Lord, I ask that you give me the perfect, honoring compliment to say to my husband tonight. I want to leave an impression on his heart that he will never forget. I want to be the wife that my husband is proud of. Please make me a better wife & let it be for my husband. Amen."


Aimee

The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach

Hello Ladies! I am so excited to write tonight's post. I feel the Lord working in so many marriages already & that excites me. With that being said, I do need everyone's help. I have noticed that it is very easy for me to get down during the day. I am reading all of these emails from wives that are in very troubled situations & it deeply saddens me. When a positive & uplifting comment comes in from someone that has completed the challenge from the night before, it completely rejuvenates me. Please keep those comments coming. I need the troubled wives to stay focused and motivated. It gives me a strength that I can't describe. I am sure that those positive comments are keeping each & every one of us motivated. I am so proud of each of you for taking this challenge. For some it is easy & for some it is very difficult. You are all going to make a difference, not only in your lives but your husband's life & your children's lives. Be proud of yourself!

I also want to let you all know that I am going to do my very best to have the post up by 9pm EST each night. That way you will all be able to expect when it is coming. It will give you time to make any preparations for the next day. Not all of you are night owls like me, so I apologize that the first few days have come late at night.

I haven't mentioned this before but I would like for you to keep the fact that you are doing this challenge a secret from your husband. We want him to see that you are changing & not just doing a lesson as a one time thing. We don't want him to feel like an experiment. I am not one to keep secrets from Adam & it is impossible for me to lie, which I am thankful for. If he asked me what color socks I had on & I realized later that I had a different color on, I would tell him. :)This is a good secret, like buying a present for someone. You hide it until the right time. I would never suggest keeping any other kind of secret.

Last night I revealed the book series that I am working from & tonight I want to explain a little the basis of what Dr. Eggerich's is teaching. If I asked you what the most important thing in the world is to you I would expect that most of you would say....

As a woman that is our greatest need. We need love like we need air to breathe. There was a comment posted today from Coach's Wife. She hit the nail on the head & Dr. Eggerich's teaches this. As women we want to keep our relationships up to date. Meaning that we feel like we need to talk about our problems in our marriage daily. Men look at it this way; If we are talking daily about our marriage problems, we have a major problem. Worse, if there is an argument, most of us run around the house chasing them to "clear things up". We are working out of love, but it doesn't come across that way because it seems nagging which makes us feel they are avoiding us & being even more unloving to us. Would you believe that when our husbands turn away from us, they are trying to do the honorable thing? Men do not like confrontation. When we chase after them to get them to "talk" they are worried that they will say something that will upset us & even make the argument worse. They know that they get angry & they honestly just want to calm down to save our feelings. We, as wives take this as they don't care & are being rude to us. Am I right ladies?

This was a major issue in our marriage. It is almost as if Dr. Eggerichs was using Adam & I as the example. Adam would always tell me that he needed to get away but I was very hurt by that. I didn't want to be fighting so I would literally follow him throughout the entire house trying to make things right. This would only anger him more because he felt like I was trying to control him. I couldn't understand that. Now I do. He isn't wrong for acting the way that he does & I am not wrong for wanting to fix things. This is how God wired us. Not wrong, just different. Once we started to understand that, we have been able to make the much needed adjustments.

So, if love is the most important thing to us as women....what do you think it the most important thing to our husbands? How many of you said love? I would have said the same thing 3 months ago. Of course men want us to love them but that is not what they NEED. What a man needs just like he needs air to breathe is....

God actually has commanded us to respect our husbands. In Ephesians 5:33 - "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband". God has wired us to love automatically. This is why he commands us to respect our husbands. Not doing this is a clear disobedience of His word. That was huge to me & it is now one of my favorite scriptures. I believe that the application of this verse can change marriages significantly. In turn, God commands our husbands to love us because he did not wire him to do it automatically.

God created our husbands with the need to take care of his family and to be the leader. If you ask most men if they would die for their families, they would say yes. They are our protectors. If you ask a man if he wants his co-workers to like him or to respect him, he will say respect. Men have this unspoken rule to respect other men. If they spoke to each other the way that we speak often speak to them, there would be a lot of trouble in the world. That is why their spirit is so damaged when we disrespect them. They can't imagine why we would speak to them in a way that other men wouldn't even speak to them. We are supposed to hold our husbands in the highest position in our homes. God commands us to respect our husbands unconditionally. Are you disobeying God? I was.

Entertain this thought for a second. If I asked you right now if you love your husband, what would you say? If I asked you if you respected him, what would you say? Unconditionally means that your husband does NOT have to earn your respect. You are to give it to him without question. How would you feel if you asked your husband if he loved you & he said not today. You don't deserve it. I personally would be devastated.

While Adam & I were separated, I emailed him at least 10 times letting him know how much I loved him. He didn't respond to a single one of those emails. He never doubted that from me. That was not our problem. He felt that I had disrespected him, time & time again. He was right. Once Lisa brought this to my attention, I sent him a short email apologizing for being disrespectful to him which she wrote for me. She ordered me to send that email the way that it was. Do not add additional words or feelings. This was unnatural & completely uncomfortable for me. I trusted her as I had no other options at that point. Would you believe that he emailed me back? It was at that moment that his feelings for me started to change. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't over yet, but the door was cracked just enough for Adam to begin seeing my changes & believing that they were not temporary & they were real.

In my efforts to show you how "normal" & "real" we are, I want to let you know that we fell victim to the crazy cycle just last week. Adam & I used to fight or at least pick at each other several times a week. We have been back together for 2 1/2 months & we have had one fight. Adam came home from work & he was unusually grouchy. I felt like he picked on the kids, he picked on me, he made a comment that made me feel like I was not keeping up with the house, etc. I had made a nice dinner that night & I hate when I go out of my way to do something & an argument or negativity takes away from my nice thing. So, my feelings got hurt. We started to argue. Adam asked me to go away & I did. I was proud of myself for taking my new knowledge & actually applying it. I played with the kids, put them to bed, & had time to myself before bed time. All the while I was getting more & more hurt & angry that Adam wasn't moving forward to speak to me. We have agreed since our separation that we would not go to bed angry & it was getting near that time. I went to bed & laid there as long as I could so that he had every opportunity to make a move. It never happened. I tried to once again practice what I had learned & I went to him. Dr. Eggerichs says that, "The person who feels that they are the most mature is the one that should move forward first." Well, of course I thought this was me so I did it. I knew that I was about to walk into a danger zone because Adam still seemed very angry. I tried talking to him in a way that I thought was right. When I saw that it wasn't working, I did everything that I shouldn't have. I told him how HE should be acting & basically disrespected him by telling him that he wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. I told him I would tell our counselor. He immediately jumped up & told me that I haven't changed at all. Obviously, this is not true & he will admit that today. He was angry & was reacting from his feelings just as I was. We got on what is called, "The Crazy Cycle." Without love, a woman reacts without respect, but without respect, a man will react without love. So who again is the one that will break the cycle? The one who feels that they are the most mature!


I left the room & emailed my counselor/accountability partner. He revealed to me what I had done wrong & how to repair it. I can see how clearly what I could have done differently. Again, it is very unnatural, so you have to train yourself to be this way. What I should have done as a good wife would have been to find out what was troubling my husband. Why did he come home so grouchy when he hadn't been lately? Why was he "picking" on us for silly reasons? Why was he quick to temper & take things personally? My partner suggested that I go into the other room & offer Adam a snack & a back rub. Of course, it is much easier to respond back in a negative way because of hurt feelings. The feelings follow choices lesson is one that will be used over & over. Unfortunately, I had gone to bed before I received his advice, so I wasn't able to practice it. However, I wanted to know how Adam would have received that gesture, so I asked him. As angry as he was, he told me that would have helped tremendously & would have made him feel like I cared about what was bothering him. It turns out that he was just in a crabby mood for no reason at all. Nothing happened. We just get in a funk sometimes. He felt as though we were not interested in him that night or what he wanted to say. Perhaps meeting him at the door would have avoided this entire situation. ??

Learning this information from this book series will not prevent you from getting involved in the crazy cycle. In fact, Dr. Eggerichs admits that he & Sarah still get on the cycle too. Training yourself to think differently will just teach you how to get on the cycle less & how to get off sooner.

Lesson #3 - Tonight make his favorite meal or dessert. (Or both!) Proverbs 31:15 says, "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls".
You are making deposits into your marriage. During this two week period be prepared for your husband to do something unloving. You have greeted him, hugged him, & made his favorite meal, but later he yells at you for moving his keys. Ignore it. Don't throw your hands up saying, "Respecting you doesn't work. You are as unloving as ever." You are fasting from complaining for two weeks. Lower your expectations. You can't expect him to change in every area of his life because you did three nice things. Do this for God & not for your husband. God commands you to do this.

I invite you to take this one step further. As I sit here & type this I realize that I am guilty of something that I could do a little better. I am sitting in sweatpants, a tee shirt, no makeup, & messy hair. We would never have been seen this when we were dating. Thank God our husbands still think that we are beautiful when we are a mess. However, from time to time we should put a little extra effort into looking our best for him. I am going to be doing this challenge & all of the others along with you because I need to work on my marriage at the same time. I need to continue to strive to be the very best wife that I can be. I invite you to not only make his favorite meal or dessert but to also take a shower, put on a little makeup, set the table nice, & show him that you have gone out of your way to make him feel special.

"Lord, thank you so much for working in so many marriages so quickly. These stories are an inspiration to all of us. As we see you working in these families we are encouraged to try harder in our own lives. Thank you for all of the women that are following this blog. We are building an unbelievable support system for each other. Lord, please give each of these women the strength to push through each lesson. Give them a few extra minutes out of their day to be able to comment to all of us on their experiences. Lord, please allow us all to make a beautiful dinner for our well deserving husbands & please prevent any major kitchen nightmares. We ask that you please help us to wrap our brains around the principles of love & respect so that we can begin to apply them. Our culture has not always shown us that this is the true way to live. Lord, we want to honor Your word & not be disobedient to You. Please forgive us for not following Your commands in the past. Now that we are aware of what You want from us, we will be better. Thank you Lord for giving us this chance. Amen."

Aimee

The Big Reveal

Before I get started this evening, I want to thank you all so very much for the support that you have shown me in the last 24 hours. You have all made me feel absolutely amazing. I am in shock when I look at the counter & see that we have hit almost 2000 visits already. Praise God! While I am ecstatic by the support & growth, I am saddened by the amount of marriages that are in need. Please do not hesitate to email me if you need to speak one on one. I truly mean that. Your marriage & family is important to me & I want to help in any way that I can. Aimee@TeamFreemanProperties.com.

One of my goals for this blog is to get you all involved & make it interactive. You might say that it can be the largest small group in the world. I am only one person & there are thousands of you. I really need the help of each of you to reach the masses. So now that most of you have completed the day one challenge, please send in a comment about how your husband received you. The more of us that share, the more that we will inspire other wives to make a change in their marriages & families. Please take a moment to do this.

I understand that last night's challenge may have been very easy for some of you & I am proud of you for doing it, even though it may not have felt challenging. However, I want you to keep in mind the husband & wife who are hardly even speaking. The marriage that is completely broken & on it's last leg. For those wives to be able to meet their husbands at the door, that is HUGE. When Adam was still in our home but preparing to move out, meeting him at the door would have felt extremely uncomfortable because I was too worried about how he felt about me and if he even wanted me to do such a kind gesture.

When I spoke to Lisa on the phone that first time, she warned me that what she was about to tell me would feel very unnatural & would go against every fiber of my being. What she told me was that she felt the same exact fear of rejection or feeling uncomfortable when she heard what challenges she had to perform in the book, but it worked for her & for her marriage. Lisa asked me if I could trust her & follow what she was teaching me. Since I had tried every thing else unsuccessfully & because it worked for her marriage, I happily agreed.

I vividly remember the day that I listened to the CD that came with my books. The kids were outside playing & I got on the computer because I couldn't wait until they went to bed. I told you that I am not good with patience, so when I saw that there was a CD & two books, it was easy to choose which one I would use first. LOL I took a notebook & a pen with me so that I could take notes. I remember thinking about how easy these principles seemed to me. Even though Adam was already gone, 3 1/2 hours away, & finished with our relationship, I felt that I had a great shot at turning things around. I was pumped up! I wanted to hear more so I immediately started reading the first book.

I know that you all are very anxious to find out what this book series is & how you can get it. I suppose that I will not keep you in suspense any longer. :) The series is titled, "Motivating Your Man God's Way." It is written by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs.

You can visit the main website at http://www.love&respect.com/ to purchase the series. You can find the link on my main page in the Favorite Links section. There are other books on the website that we will be digging into later. By the end of the week I will have all of Dr. Emerson's books! I have been watching for my UPS guy daily. The two books & the CD are sold as a set for just $24! I know that money is tight for many of us right now, but I promise you that this will be the best $24 that you will ever spend, especially if you think about how much a marriage counselor or getting a divorce will cost. This series is indisputably priceless. If you are as impatient as I am & you feel that you don't have time on your side, I would also recommend getting the 5 session conference download. It is $40 instead of $50 if you buy each session separately. This is something that you don't have to wait on in the mail. It is accessible immediately. The good news is that the shipment came much faster than I expected. I think I had them in 5-6 days.

I listened to the CD titled, "The Crazy Cycle" on my own first. Once I put the principles into practice & Adam agreed to work on our marriage as well, we listened to it again together. The information got Adam just as pumped up as it did for me. He wanted to hear more right then & there. We jumped in full force & started listening to the downloads. They are each a little over an hour, so we do it together as our quality time. We don't need to watch TV or play Bejeweled every single night. (LOL)

Look at it this way, you went to school for many years and worked very hard at getting an education to become a more intelligent person and for a better financial future. Or, you work very hard every single day at your job to increase your family's financial security, then why can't you spend an hour or two every day or every other day to strengthen the relationship with the one you plan to live with for the rest of your life. That means, after retirement from your job and when you don't need your education to go play BINGO down at the Moose Lodge.

One of the biggest things Adam would say during our separation is that we have a lot of work to do. He would say that he had a lot of work, I had a lot of work & we have a lot of work together as a couple. This made a happy & satisfying life seem so far away. He felt that it was "time" that was important & that you couldn't be "fixed" overnight. Adam's opinion has changed completely. These principles are so basic & so simple to follow that it really doesn't matter if you have been married for one year or for thirty. It doesn't matter how much hurt & pain are buried in your core. You CAN change, he CAN change, & your marriage can be more than you EVER dreamed possible. Can you trust me on this?

Starting tomorrow night, I will get more into the teachings of the book series. Tonight there will be a lesson for you to do on your husband just as there was last night. However, I have a few additional things that I would like you to do for homework.

1. When you are finished reading this post tonight, please click on the comment section & give us your testimony from last night. It may help motivate another wife to accept the challenge & will push another family onto the road of being repaired.

2. Find an accountability partner. We all know someone that could use this information. Give them the best gift that you could ever give them. Call them up or email them, whichever you prefer. Get them involved & agree to do this together. Support each other. As I mentioned earlier, this information goes against everything that you were ever taught. You will need at least one person who will agree to trust with you & keep you motivated. I know that my friends (that weren't following along with the books or the CD) thought I was crazy at times because of the challenges that I accepted in order to fix my marriage while maintaining hope during our separation. They are so thankful now that I stuck with it & I am happier than I have ever been.

3. I would like for everyone to post a comment with their favorite Bible scripture that pertains to marriage & relationships & why it means so much to you. If you don't know one that is okay. You will certainly have a great list of all of the best after tonight. For some, reading the Bible is very scary because the fear of misinterpretation, so we will just have to create a short list of everyone's favorites & start there. Periodically, I will choose one & we will discuss it at length through the blog.

4. This 14 day period is not a time for you to get your husband to open up & discuss past issues. We are actually trying to avoid that. You want to show him that you are changing. Remember, he may not be used to your new behavior & he may actually say something negative. You want to avoid confrontation at all cost. I told you this would be unnatural. In addition to the daily lesson, try not complaining to him about anything. If you need to complain, call your accountability partner. She may want to vent too. :)


Lesson #2 - Greet your husband & give him a hug. Let him know again that you missed him or were thinking about him today. Again, this is secondary to what you are really feeling. Just do it. If he says something like, "Wow, two days in a row. Do you want money or something"? Ignore it. He is saying this to you because he is noticing your actions & they feel good to him. What may feel like sarcasm to you is playful bantering to him. After you hug him, leave the room. Don't allow for a conversation about your new behavior. This isn't a game, we are just trying to avoid getting into a discussion of unresolved issues that you are not equipped to handle just yet.


That is all for tonight ladies. Let's pray.

"Lord, thank you for bringing this information about how to motivate my man, Your way. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on my marriage & to save my family from the irreversible pain of divorce. Lord, please forgive me for not doing these lessons as much as I should have in the past. Please give me the strength & courage to complete tonight's lesson, share my results with the group to help others and to continue working hard every day to complete the upcoming lessons. Lord, please soften my heart & the heart of my husband. Please allow my husband to see the changes that I am making for us & for him. Father, please hold my hand & do not let go. I can't do this by myself. I need You. Amen."


Aimee

This Is Just The Beginning

I have to say that I am so excited to be blogging. So excited in fact, that I have been struggling about what my first post will be. I have so many ideas. I am also a very impatient person, so the thought of breaking my ideas down into several posts is challenging. I just want to write about everything right now. This will take some practice.

I thank you all for visiting & I hope & pray that each one of you will play a big role in the success of this blog. I will explain more about this later in the post. All that I ask is that you PLEASE don't compare my writing to the writing that you are used to from my amazing husband. I can only dream of writing half as inspiring as he can.

So my topic for this first post.....Hmm. What will it be? Yes, I am actually still deciding as I type. There is honestly so much unbelievable information that I can't wait to share. LOL Ok, got it. A decision has finally been made. Whew!

Our separation & the journey that I went on personally is what inspired this blog & everything that I am currently doing in my day to day life. Adam & I have also gotten involved in our new church - Lifepoint. We will be teaming up with George & Karen Kapusta (our Pastor's parents) to lead the marriage ministry there. We have never been more excited & blessed to be a part of something so great. Praise God!

So, what I would like to do is share my journey as a wife with the sole purpose of helping others who may be troubled in their own relationships. To start with a little bit of history on us,
Adam & I started dating five years ago & we have been married for three. Our relationship was beautiful right from the start. We had the perfect love story on how we met, the most romantic first kiss, and our lives could not have been any happier. The next five years were spent with us together, every single hour, practically 99% of each day...literally.

As much as Adam & I love spending time together, looking back we feel that spending so much time together could have been one of our problem areas. Funny thing is, we would hate when people would mention it to us. We figured that they just didn't understand. Just because they couldn't handle their spouse 14-18 hours each day didn't mean that we couldn't. We didn't argue more than most couples & considering we were together so much we figured that was pretty good. We often joke that we have been married for three years but if you consider how much time we spent together compared to other couples, we have been married for twenty!

So what did we fight about? The normal. You know....money, work, & petty things that don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. I would argue because Adam felt that just because we were in the same house, we were "together". I would argue that I wanted face to face quality time. We would talk about our issues & then we would be fine. However, sometimes I wanted to talk right that second & Adam would want to calm his anger & briefly talk later. However, we would eventually move on from our petty arguments...or so I thought.

If you asked Adam, he would tell you that I was his beautiful, the most important thing in the world to him. He would say that he couldn't live without me. I am sure that most of you felt that when you would read his posts. Our year through Kayleigh's journey was a tough one, but one that I thought we handled pretty well. But what I didn't know was that all of those petty little arguments were building up like a raging volcano, packed deep inside "Adam's earth's crust," waiting to explode.

After our princess went to Heaven in May, we had made plans to get away. Just the two of us alone so that we could reconnect from all the heartache, even though we honestly felt as if we were doing okay on the outside. We went to the beach for the weekend and within the first ten minutes of the car ride, we started to argue. By the time I got rid of my stubborn attitude, we fought again. This actually became the theme of the weekend. Adam stormed off to be alone because his anger was way out of control & I stayed in the hotel room, crying. Before the trip ended, we reached a very heated point in our arguing & Adam told me that he was tired of this & he wanted a divorce. As most fights go, we got really nasty. I spent the next 2-3 weeks hoping that Adam would calm down, but he spent them planning his exit. I was in complete disbelief.

Adam moved out of the house a few weeks after Kayleigh's memorial. I was completely devastated & most days, unable to function. Just my luck, it was summer & the kids were home with me Monday-Friday. Sadly, I could have spent every day in bed without any food or water. For the first two weeks or so I did a lot of begging, telling Adam over & over how much I loved him. He was trying his best to be polite, but he didn't want to hear it.

I was already going to counseling because I had started that before Kayleigh passed away. I then ordered about 13 books from the Christian bookstore on saving my marriage, divorce, you name it. I had to gather as much information as I could "to change Adam's mind." Honestly, that is how it started. I was a nut. But, it was in the name of love so that made it ok. Right?

While I was waiting on my shipment I decided to utilize what I had at home already. The first book that I went to was the Love Dare. I wasn't sure if I would be successful with this because Adam was three & a half hours away. I had to try. I took the kids outside which was an amazing feat in itself & I read. As I looked over the first lesson I found that I had a few faults. Things that I could have been better at personally. I was shocked because of course I had never been wrong in my entire existence. I read the second chapter & again, more soul searching, more honesty with myself, & more work to do to make ME a better person. My goal had shifted. I was absolutely trying to get Adam to come home, every minute of every day, but I was doing it through my own changes. I started a daily prayer journal where I would write about what I had learned for the day, how my faults affected my marriage, how I needed to make adjustments, & then I would type out a prayer. This was very therapeutic.

It was during this time that I became closer to God than I ever have. I had just lost my daughter, my home, my job was in the toilet, & now my husband had left. Thank God I still had the kids but I couldn't turn to them for help. I HAD to turn to the only one that would always be there for me. God. My days were spent crying, reading, praying, & reading some more. I felt that if I wasn't learning, I was wasting time. Time that would surely run out before my husband would fall into the arms of someone else. I did warn you that I wasn't patient. I felt like every day was a ticking clock.

As I would apply the things that I was learning from reading, my counselor, friends, etc. I would find that they weren't working. I became more & more depressed & ended up on anti-depressants. I probably should have started them following Kayleigh's passing, but I am not the type to take medicine if I don't need it. I finally learned that worry was sin. Now things would get interesting.

I had finally reached a point where I knew that I was changing. I believed that I wasn't just saying what Adam wanted to hear. I knew how I felt about him & I continued to believe in how he once felt about me. I reminded myself daily that we entered into marriage & God would never want us to get divorced. I became numb to Adam's rejection & in those times I gave it all to God. You might think that this was the hardest thing that I would do but it actually was the ONLY thing that gave me true peace. Now, I am human & I did freak out occasionally. Don't get me wrong. However, after my initial weakness I would remind myself of how God wants me to be. God wanted me to continue loving & respecting my husband even though he didn't deserve it. He wanted me to honor my commitment even if Adam wasn't. I am not one to enjoy or even tolerate rejection so I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it without God's help. Most people think or say that God won't give you anything you can't handle, but actually that means...God won't give you anything you can't handle, without His help.

I met someone through Elevation Church that became an amazing friend to me & the biggest reason that I made the changes in my life that I did. She was there through countless emails & calls & pointed me in the direction of the very book that would change my marriage. She did this because it saved her marriage & the marriages of many others. It is the book that Adam & I practice from every day & what inspired me to move forward with this blog. I will discuss this book more in my next post, I Promise. Thank you Lisa Shea for everything.

There were a mix of things that happened in our lives for Adam to come home. I had reached out to everyone that was close to us that was a Christian. My last hope was Brent Riggs. As most of you know Brent has been a dear friend to us over the last year. I knew that Adam respected him tremendously & he is without a doubt, one of the wisest Christian that we know. Brent had tried to contact Adam unsuccessfully a few times but finally he got through. It was that phone call along with my changes, Adam's faith, & God's intervention that brought us back together again.

Adam & I have honestly never been happier than we are right now. Our separation was not the end for our marriage. It was the beginning. As hard as that time was, I am SO thankful that it happened. We always believed that Kayleigh's purpose was to help others. Now we believe that she was also sent to us to save our marriage. Kayleigh's passing was not what caused us to separate but the extra pain that came along with losing her amplified the problems that we already had. I never imagined that one little life could impact so much.

When I met Lisa & she gave me this incredibly helpful information, I knew immediately that helping to save marriages was my calling. God had opened that door for me before but I never walked through it. Whenever a friend or family member was having a marriage problem, we always jumped in full force to help. I am not the kind of friend that tells you what you want to hear. I tell you what you NEED to hear. Sadly, this is also why I don't have many true close friends. Not everyone can handle the truth. Now that my marriage is stronger than ever, Adam & I are ready to pay it forward.

I started this blog mainly for wives. I want to teach you what I have learned. The principles are so amazing & easy that you will see results almost immediately. If Adam could go from being 100% completely done with our marriage, there is hope for your marriage too. We were just discussing today how nobody ever teaches this stuff. Maybe that is why 50% of first marriages fail & 70% of second marriages fail. The things that we have learned are the behaviors of men & women. Not wrong, just different.

As I said above, I started this blog mainly for wives. However, if you are a man who reads this and is in need of help, then don't hesitate one bit to email Adam or myself because we want to help anyone and everyone. My email is down below, but Adam's email is: Adam@TeamFreemanProperties.com

Everyone says that communication is the key to every marriage, but what is more important than that is understanding each other so we can communicate properly. Once we understand each other & what the Bible teaches us, we are sure to get on the right track. If we don't make these much needed changes we will have the same outcome with our next spouse, & our next spouse. All the while our children will suffer & we will never end up truly happy anyway.

Please take this journey with us. Every marriage reaches a tough time at some point. This message is good for ALL ears because no one is perfect and we could ALL learn something to strengthen our marriages, relationships and even friendships. Even if you are single, this is a perfect way to prepare yourself for that next step. You can't afford to miss this.

So here are my hopes. I would like to see everyone start a prayer journal. I am a computer junkie so I did mine on Microsoft Word. Feel free to write, type, etc. Whatever will get you to do it. I would also like this blog to be interactive. When I post a challenge, let us all know how it worked for you. Your testimonies will encourage others. Please refrain from being negative. If you don't like what is being said, you don't have to listen and you are not bound to join in what God is doing here. The teachings & ideas are coming straight from the Bible & any negativity will be moderated and deleted so it won't find its way for other eyes to see.

Lisa would tell you that I always wanted more & more info. I didn't like being told that she would teach me that later. Sorry Lisa. In the next few weeks I am going to go into this lesson. However, I know that some of you need to get started right away & you just can't sit back & wait. Here it goes....

Lesson #1 - Tonight or tomorrow when your spouse comes home, greet them at the door. Don't yell from another room. Physically meet them at the door. Let them know that you missed them today. (even if you didn't) I have started doing this with Adam & he absolutely loves it. Honestly, so do I. I feel much more special when I feel that everyone is happy to see me. If this is not possible to do it this way due to your schedules, then be sure to make him feel like you missed him & you are happy to see him when you are face to face.

This will be a 14 day lesson with a simple activity each day. Don't forget that we want to hear how it is working for you. Also keep in mind that your husband probably isn't used to this behavior so he may even say something inappropriate or wonder if you are up to something. Just ignore it. You are going to change your behavior. His will follow. Men are much slower normally & it will probably take a few days for this to kick in. Don't worry. It will.

I want to throw my disclaimer out here. I am in no way claiming to be a professional. What makes me qualified to do this is that I am a Christian & we are learning Biblical principles. Plus, this is what worked for us. If you are skeptical, I understand. So was I. So was Lisa. Just hang with me for the first 14 days. Learn what I have to say with an open mind. I promise you will see a change in yourself & your husband. Please, just give me that amount of time. I will make the commitment into you if you will do the same for me. If you won't do it for me, do it because your troubled situation has nothing to lose.

Please understand that more than anything, we want you to know that we are not a fairy tale family and we are not wanting to share our story to compare who has the better or worse relationship. The big picture here is to point out that if you are having big or small issues in your relationship, there was a time when you loved each other deeply and these problems didn't exist. All we want is to help you find a way back to the happiness you for so long have attempted to achieve. So whether you have been struggling for three years or struggling for ten, look at the positives and be happy that you still have a chance to make things right.

Please check yourself as a follower to the blog & feel free to forward to anyone that you know that may need a change. Help me to help the world. I would also like to extend my email address to anyone that needs to talk one on one. Please keep in mind that I am still working & have my family to tend to but you are all important to me. I will do my best to answer all emails before I go to bed each night. Aimee@TeamFreemanProperties.com.

I also want to take a quick second to thank all of the people that were there for Adam & I during our separation. There were some pretty intense moments & I can only speak for myself but you all helped me get through each day. You are all special & will forever be in my heart. Thank you for putting up with me. I hope that I will do you proud through this blog.

Lastly, (I bet you never thought I would finish) I would like to pray. Lord, thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you the most. Thank you for being my strength when I didn't think that I had any left. Thank you for guiding me in the right directions & helping me to grow & change so that my family would be one again. Lord, please speak through me & into this blog. Please soften the hearts of those husbands & wives out there that are considering divorce or are struggling in their marriages. Please allow them to open their minds to see that this works. Thank you for opening this door until I walked through. Amen.

Aimee